Friday, April 18, 2014

OMG The Weight

Oh, the weight!  I've always been a skinny girl, my friends called me a skinny bitch, but the hormones have raged within me for too long... or at least that's what I blame.

When I first went into a clinic I was an avid Bikram yoga practioner, and oh I loved it!  I had severe panic disorder in my mid-twenties and randomly a coworker invited me one night.  I went and loved it, while the coworker never went with me again.  Bikram melted all the anxiety out of me, it was impossible to have a panic attack after you'd been to a class.  Then, slowly but surely, it changed the way I thought and how I internally treated myself.  But as soon as I went in to a Fertility clinic I found out that such high temperatures are (apparently) bad for your eggs.  You shouldn't take hot baths/hot tubs or do hot yoga when you are 'trying'.  So I stopped...

And slowly put on weight.  For the first six months I didn't actually put on weight, I just slowly expanded as my muscle turned to (I assume) fat. I moved up a couple sizes in pants, my ass being the first thing to expand.  It's been two years of various treatments now and my last IVF attempt I didn't gain a pound, I was watching closely.  I didn't lose any either, but considering the massive dose, I was super happy I didn't gain.  Then I went off of it and OMG gained another 4 pounds. 

My normal dieting procedure would be to (essentially) eat a lot less while working out.  Apparently hunger and dieting shuts down your fertility even more, so I've resisted even in my 'off' months.  I don't need any help shutting down what remains of any natural fertility. 

So I eat as healthy as I can (my eating habits are a whole other post) and try to not get hungry.  Every time I get hungry I get a little paranoid that I am 'turning off' what little I have.  I am getting my thyroid checked yet again this year and am hoping it is ok.  Last year it was fine, the thyroid stimulating hormone needs to be between 1 and 2 for conception. 

And yes, I still occasionally go to a 'regular' yoga class, but it's only been recently.  I also starting doing an hour a day on a walking treadmill!  Hopefully it will be enough to keep me from going into the 'overweight' category on the BMI table... I'm almost there, I made the mistake of looking yesterday.  I need to process some non-attachment and if I didn't have a giant mirror in my bathroom it would be a lot easier!

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