Friday, April 25, 2014

Rambling Thoughts, Upcoming Adventures

I am not qualified to discuss miscarriages, because I've never been pregnant.  Not a whisper, not a hint, not a day late... well maybe a day but it wasn't due to pregnancy.  This is going to sound horrible, because I know miscarriages are terrible events and are awful and sad, but sometimes I wish that I had had one.  Just a little one, to know it was possible, to trust my body knew what to do or to have gotten it 'over with'.  Often the success stories I hear include multiple miscarriages (and I'm including chemical pregnancies in that), so I worry that because it's never happened... what if I finally get pregnant and it doesn't keep?

It's hard to have faith during this process.  Even the good things come with a niggling sense of doubt.  A sense of doubt that grows with each failure and mocks even your smallest achievements.  I've made great eggs before, I'm only 34, but I don't have a measurable ovarian reserve and I don't have an unending well of money to throw at my problem.  At some point I have to stop, I have to decide if what I want (a family) is worth giving up something that others get to take for granted (being biologically related). 

I've seriously considered where it ends, I've developed my exit plan, rubbing the sandpaper of failure on my heart so that the edges of the pain are blunted, polished.  I'm not sure it will hurt any less when I get there, if I get there, but it's at least been partially worked through.  I can focus on other things now, hopeful things, blue and pink things.  I can hopefully harness the power of positive thoughts.

Speaking of positive thoughts, next week at counseling we are doing soul retrieval.  She said I could google it, but that it's pretty new-agey which is something that makes me nervous, but I'm kind of excited about it.  It's supposed to repair your soul from trauma, the idea being that if you have suffered trauma that part of your soul has split off and needs to be retrieved.  Last week my acupuncturist even needled me a "release", which I had never had done in 2 years of going, it was amazing.  I can barely describe it, but I definitely feel more hopeful and lighter.  All good things during my mock cycle (a mock cycle is the birth control cycle before you begin the injections for IVF).

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