Sunday, May 25, 2014

A Final Disappointment

There will be no more updates about the embryos, because there are no embryos. 

I was so positive, I told myself that this time I would be pregnant.  I could visualize the pregnancy and I was so sure, so, so sure. 

This morning the doctor who performed the retrieval (not my primary doctor) called to tell me that all the eggs had "degenerated".  I don't know what that means yet, I was too shocked to really question her.  All it means right now is that the quest for a biologically related child is done.  I am alternately heartbroken and in shock.  It's not unexpected, I had prepared, so I am not as distraught as I might have otherwise been.

I only know I have to give up my dreams of seeming my dad's eyes, his curly hair, or to see if my child might have been left handed like 40% of my blood relatives.  It means I will have to find a way to tell my child that I am not his biological mother and risk more rejection in my life.

It feels so unfair.  It is unfair.  I wouldn't have cared as much about the journey if I had a god damned happy ending.

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