Thursday, May 8, 2014

Fertile Thoughts

One of the hardest things about struggling with this for so long is that I became depressed.  I wonder still if it's ever going to happen to me and what the hell am I working towards.  The fleeting nature of hope has me chasing little hopes like fireflies, but it always disappear quickly in my hands. 

As a result I begin to see a professional, which I highly recommend, and if you do then please find someone who specializes in infertility counseling.  I've found that some people will never understand why your friend's pregnancy announcement feels like a dull knife in your chest and think that you are selfish bitch for walking around crying for three days (ahem, or more).  It honestly has not much to do with your friend, it is you, your hopes and dreams that are dying. 

In an effort to combat my depression, especially in the midst of an IVF cycle, my counselor commanded me to have daily fertile thoughts.  This really seemed crazy when she first told me to do it, but it actually works.  It is a moment every day where I specifically focus on what having a baby would be like (hopefully avoiding the midnight feeding part), focus more on how the baby's room would be decorated, what type of stroller to pick out, I'd imagine how it'd feel or look being pregnant, and my favorite activity - pick a name or two! 

The last two IVF attempts I have thought about names as a way of having positive thoughts, I don't share them with anyone seriously, it's more an activity for me and one thing I've always loved doing.  As a teenager I wanted to have 20 children (I know, I was crazy and had just read Susanna Wesley's biography who had had 25) and I picked out names like Hyacinth and Sapphira and Tempest and Zephyr.  Let's be honest, it's probably for the best that I didn't have the chance to name a baby as a teenager.  As an adult I still entertain the unusual (non-made up) names.  I really love Euphemia which was my great-great-grandmother's name, but everybody else hates it.  I try to pick out a few names each cycle, both boys and girls, and some of them I keep around like Vivianne/Vivian, William, Philippa (Pippa) and Marguerite. 

It has been very helpful to work on slowly shifting my mind from the failures, by dwelling on them I cannot make them better or less hurtful, I cannot explain them away.  It is the battle ahead I must focus on, I cannot win through sheer effort, I must sharpen our mind with positivity and remember the end goal of a baby. 

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