Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Music Heals the Tortured Soul?

It's been a little crazy the last day-ish.  I thought I was ready for this possibility, I was at peace with my 'plan b'.  In my heart I honestly didn't expect to have to use donated eggs, I thought I would have a happy ending.  I feel that I should be sadder right now, but I'm honestly more scared than sad.  I did a lot of research and found there are quite a few young adults that are very bitter about being non-biological ART (assisted reproductive technology) children. 

I tell myself that everyone has 'issues' and neither a child nor parents, whether biological or not, should be expected to be 'perfect'.  I will be less likely to hear from happy well-adjusted donated or adopted children. 

But the choice comes down to pursuing donated eggs and getting to carry and create a child or adoption.  Both appear to have very bitter, angry non-proponents; someone will always judge my choice.  Someone will always accuse me of 'buying' a baby, no matter where I turn.  Someone will think that 'God created me this way and I should just not have a baby, clearly'.  Can I accept a baby that won't ever have my smile but might have my sense of humor?  I can't answer that right now.

I don't have my RE appointment until Friday (I'm very unhappy about this), so no official news until then.  Only googled results, which are oh-so-accurate and will tell me I have cancer in addition to everything else.  In the meantime I will be listening to this song on repeat and thinking maybe we never even had a real shot:

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