Friday, May 16, 2014

Open Mouth

Insert foot, firmly and decisively.

I went out with an acquaintance who is also struggling with fertility. She's just an acquaintance and perhaps I thought we were closer than we are. I blurted out how I wanted to punch people (figuratively) who have it so easy. She immediately chastised me saying 'everybody has their own journey' and told me about one of her friends who had secondary infertility (which is infertility after your first child) and how hard it was. I inanely said 'oh, well, of course'.

I felt a little insulted - I'm sure it's hard, and I definitely don't think my journey is the 'hardest journey in the world'. I've just read two books about North Korea that prove other journeys are more difficult.  One of the reasons I don't join a support group is because I would (probably) spend time judging the stories around me as being 'more' or 'less' difficult than mine. That being said I feel that with secondary infertility you are able to go home and hug your first baby. I always wanted 2+ children, now I'm begging the universe for one and I will consider myself inordinately lucky to get it. I would not be on this journey for baby 2.

I would never actually tell someone that their journey is more or less hard than mine - I haven't stuck my foot that far into my mouth. At my fertility clinic a few days ago the finance person told me that when she was trying to have babies (in the 80s) that she couldn't carry to term. I didn't know what to say, I talked blindly about how far fertility has come. But the truth is that I know I couldn't afford a surrogate. I've had friends 'offer', but I know if it came to that I would still have to pay for all medical out of pocket and those friends might back out (it's an easy offer to make). What I really thought when she told me was 'that's horrible and I'm glad I don't have that issue'. I believe her journey is harder than mine. If I had been born 10 or 20 years earlier that I would not even have the opportunities I am currently pursuing.

You may be reading this - thinking 'yes my journey is harder' or, hopefully, 'thank God I don't have to do that'. I do wish we could spread all the pain out equally, what if everybody in the world just had to work a little to have a baby. Every baby would be planned and every baby would be cherished.

I am still sort of cranky on the Letrozole and I have a headache, but that might be allergies.  I also seem to have no filter, telling my boss' boss yesterday about how my husband taught his daughter the word for mfer in Spanish. 

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