Wednesday, June 18, 2014

21 Grams of Conciousness

This post is going to get all metaphysical and philosophical on you, and I apologize for that, but I'm not sincere since I'm still publishing it.

I've always wondered about consciousness.  In second grade I have a vivid memory of looking at another girl, a "friend" much more popular than me, and wondering what it would be like to switch places with her, what her thoughts were, how she perceived the world from her own body, and I desperately wanted to see the world through her eyes and go home to her family.  I wanted to be free of the limits and constraints that had been imposed on my mind.  I wondered: could I be her and still also me?

The physical body is an interesting thing: if my mom and dad had conceived in a different month would I be a different person?  Prevailing wisdom may say yes, because a different sperm and a different egg would have met.  But what if that's not really true and I was always who I was meant to be?  I may have a (slightly) different physical form, but my spiritual form would have been the same because I, before birth, was destined for this particular family.

I'm not a big destiny person, I didn't expect to find my 'soul mate'.  The thought of 'the one' quite frankly terrified me.  I have never believe in pre-destination (Calvinist belief, where God has already predetermined the course of your life); I fall squarely and liberally into the free will belief.  Now part of this belief is fear.  I have never believed I am good enough to receive anything good, or be chosen for anything good, and I never expected to be the lucky one.  I am one who has always felt like she has worked for what she has -  affording college, finding a good husband, working at my marriage, having a baby.  I am happy to work, but often feel things shouldn't take so much effort.

So, while I in some way believe that I was always "destined" to be this spirit or consciousness, I don't agree that the filter through which this spirit exists or my physical plane was always destined.  There are many things that factor into creating a human being; "nurture" if you will.  Would I have been a different if my father hadn't been killed?  Yes.  Would I have been different if my second grade class hadn't stopped speaking to me for the last month of school?  Yes.  Would I have been different if my parents hadn't chosen to have my brother? Absolutely. 

For example (and this comes from an article I read in a doctor's office more than a year ago, so no citation) if a person suffers a head injury and is no longer 'themselves', a family member might say that they see flashes of the 'former' person, but prevailing medical opinion would say that person is damaged and is now a different person in essence.  However, if we smashed a radio and then listened to it and only heard every other word it would be laughable of us to say that only every other word was being said by the announcer.  We would know the radio is broken.  Are not those of us who suffer physical trauma or psychological damage or imbalance also 'broken' and are not able to show our spirit through a non-compromised physical form?

We are a sum of our experiences, but are we also more?  If we destroy our neural pathways that control our thinking patterns do we become different people or are we the same person who is now unable to access these pathways and patterns?  Is my spirit always afraid of june bugs or is this physical manifestation of me programmed to hate june bugs because they crawled on me as a child and it was terrifying and that set a specific neural pathway?

Changing neural pathways is something I've worked on in different forms of counseling.  I've found comfort in yoga, learning to throw off the physical, gaining more control over your mind and thoughts (though not enough to start liking june bugs).  To accept where you are today.  It's one of the areas that I think Christianity could do a lot better and, perhaps, one thing I see more clearly in the ancient Christian beliefs than current ones. 

All of this to sum up the one desperate thought I cling to: I will have the baby I was meant to have, no matter how that baby physically arrives.  My assignment from my counselor this week is to work on releasing my fears for this baby: that they won't love me, that they won't be physically or spiritually like me, that I'll be again rejected because my infertility means that I shouldn't have even tried to be a mother.  I'm going to work hard at releasing these thoughts and attracting only positive energy.  I do deserve it and I'm going to be so excited when the most amazing bundle of joy the whole world has ever known arrives.  Also I've decided I'm taking credit for all moles and dimples; I've decided there shouldn't be too much of either, but just enough to show how much I care. 

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