Friday, June 6, 2014

A Boring Thing Happened

I've totally spoiled you all by posting so much in May. The truth is that now it's so calm. It feels like ... peace a little bit. I cannot change anything, I cannot work or force anything, I must work on only accepting. I'm pretty good at accepting, it's how I moved beyond my panic disorder way back when I was 28.

Yesterday we had staff training, my company has them about twice a year, and it was about building a better brain. It was a good class and gave us great information about what food to eat and how to think.  However it made me feel guilty and sad. It made me feel like I can never do enough to be healthy and, especially now, I am eating whatever I goddamned want because if I don't get to have a baby then I get to eat McDonald's Cheeseburgers. (I've eaten only 2 of those, I'm not going crazy). I know in my head the guilt doesn't help and 'everything in moderation' is one of my mantras.

The presenter did make me cry; she felt the need to repeat that depression and grief come from loss and you lost something and you're going to be sad about it over and over and over? I kept it mostly together, it wasn't like I burst into tears, but I did have to wipe the tears and that can't be good. I am hoping not too many coworkers noticed, or at least the coworkers I hate didn't notice.

I did see my counselor, but there haven't been any epiphanies.  I still think that I am done with trying for a biological child despite my RE being willing to try again. I feel strangely at peace about it. I don't know if that's because I had so much pain before or if it's because I'm blocking the pain now. I desperately want to push forward with the selection process, but I am holding back for a little bit longer.  I do want to have the ability to back off occasionally as we're going through, to give me space to adjust to the slings and arrows that will naturally be a part of it.

I did cut off my hair!!  I'm not putting pictures of myself up since this is a mostly anonymous blog. You'll just have to believe me when I say that 8 inches of hair is gone and I feel so free!

I promise to be more exciting next week. For now I'm enjoying this natural (and, from the presentation yesterday, bad for you) half-and-half:

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