Thursday, June 26, 2014

Fear: What Is It Good For

Today I bounced around filled with fear and anxiety about all the DE things I can't control.  Someone told me this horrific story about a woman who had moved through all the same procedures and had moved to DE and only then found out that her DH was the issue because his sperm was unable to fertilize the donated eggs.  TERR-I-FY-ING.  It took me a while today but I finally (mostly) let it go, without having an actual panic attack.  It required an email exchange with my donor coordinator, who said it was highly unlikely and that they'd run all the tests they could on him, and a friend pointing out DH had fertilized my eggs before and he has two previous children already.  It should be fine, I know I can't keep worrying, it's outside of my control.

It does seems the more I am removed the more my anxiety grows, it could also be a thyroid medication side effect.  And for years during these infertility treatments I have focused my anxiety into doing or taking things - vitamins (like prenatal, D3, Omega-3, CoQ10) Maca Root, other Chinese herbs, counseling, acupuncture, mayan massage, bone marrow broth and eating as healthy as I can (I'm a picky eater and carry a lot of guilt about it).  Now that I have to warm the bench (or the uterus) and don't  have much control I feel more stress about the process.  I have nothing to focus on.  And I can't seem to eat well, I have no motivation to give up the occasional fast food and sugar. 

Work is contributing to this feeling, it's crazy, I manage all employee compensation for payroll.  Work has assigned huge projects to be done in two week payroll cycles to me throughout the summer into September.  Then from October on it is crazy because of end of year.  I worry there won't be a good time to do a donated egg cycle.  I want this baby now and I will force work to let me relax even if I have to call in sick.  My work can go fuck itself, it's dysfunctional and I (quite honestly) can't wait to quit.  I used to plan my work availability around my treatments and then the treatment would be cancelled or not work out, it would be humiliating.  Even if I wanted I can't plan my work around now before I even know when we might do fresh or frozen or ...?  It's frustrating.

On a lighter note: I've been watching way too much Orange Is The New Black because I dreamed last night the clinic wouldn't give me a donated egg because I'd been in prison.  Seriously, it was like 10 minutes of laying there at 4:40am before my brain calmed down enough to realize that I've never even been arrested ... or given a ticket for that matter (knock on wood).

I hope you are all having a wonderful week! I am on vacation next week... mostly, because I'll still have to telecommute into work at least two days.  I'll be hanging around my house, taking care of house and car business... which may or may not include buying a new washer because ours is slowly dying.  We can tell because of the terrible screeches and screams emanating from it.

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