Monday, June 23, 2014

Sharing the Pain

Every time I'm off the computer I write blog posts in my mind and every time I am here staring at this screen I have no words or ideas.

The last few days have been difficult.  I want to shout my pain from the mountaintops, I want everybody to know how much this hurts and how unfair it is.  I want to punch people who tweet trite shit in the throats, so they are left gasping for air.  Positivity may help others, but in the best of times I roll my eyes.

Depression, or really sadness since it's situational, always comes on slowly for me.  I slowly feel a little more sad, and a little more sad, until I hit a sort of 'bottom' of sadness, where I just exist for a while.  I don't have many tears left for my situation, the pain is no longer sharp enough, it's dull and wants me to sit around the house and eat bon-bons.    

Eventually I read my DE board and searched for people who also had to use DE at a young age.  I do think it's harder to have to use DE at a younger age, but it isn't good to dwell on how hard it might or might not be.  It was great to read about those who are also young and using DE.  It's sad, but it helped me not feel so alone.  I'm not alone, many other people have gone through this and had to make decisions based on this shitty reality.

I know the sadness will be back, but I'm feeling really great now.  I have my DE appointment tomorrow.  I am nervous, but mostly about funding right now.  If I think about it then I am also nervous about picking a replacement for me too, but that's a problem for the future.

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