Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Other Side

I've always been one who believes you can't only read your side of the debate, you have to allow yourself to know the other side.  In the process of gathering information I have been exposed to more hatred than I ever knew possible, although not personally directed, but more directed towards any infertility sufferer. 

One of the reasons I decided against adoption was because of the online vitriol of bitter birth mothers and disillusioned adoptees; and this is even knowing 3 adoptees who are normal and love their (adopted) mothers.  Some of them have even searched for or knew their birth mothers, but were not impressed with who they found.  I feel like their experiences should sway me more than the bitter online communities that hate or are disillusioned with their lives.

Part of the problem is that we are all expected to be perfect.  I have a news flash: none of us are perfect.  We all try hard to love and show love and compassion, but some of us fail to meet the needs of those around us.  Nobody should expect a perfect family.

It must be so easy, being fertile.  Being able to sit in judgment over all my shitty options.  Don't adopt: because you're 'buying a baby', taking advantage of poor mothers, separating the child from it's proper family.  Don't accept genetic donation, you're taking advantage of young women who know nothing about their life options, you're not the child's biologic relations, you don't deserve to have a child and should just accept it.

I feel the judgment from unexpected places.  My mother, who thinks I should pursue embryo "adoption", which is still hideously expensive on her recommended site and appears to take forever.  To be fair, she's not that judgmental, it is hard to have your choices questioned.  She's staunchly pro-life, but she's ok with my children losing a genetic inheritance that is maybe not that great.

Infertility is a heavy label to bear, I stopped calling myself that at the beginning of this year, I was not going to be forever infertile, I was going to be fertility challenged.  Now my road has gotten longer and, perhaps, my suffering has increased.  Maybe we should have a term for this: terminally infertile.  We will never pass on our genes.  Maybe that's ok and we can find a way to go on, in whatever way is right for us.  The point is, we have to deal with these feelings before we can find our happiness in our next choice. 

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