Saturday, August 16, 2014

Choices

A philosophy I have on life is that you can't pretend you don't have a choice.  It might be a choice between bullshit or horseshit, but it's still a choice. 

I am not saying it is easy to evaluate shitty choices, but when life handed me the inability to have a genetic child I had some serious choices to make.  What did I want out of life?  Could I live never having a child?  Does this mean I don't want any children?  Are the genetics more important to me that the raising a child?  It wasn't easy to ponder all of this, but the biggest, hurty-est feeling in my plan is that at the end of the day my child will be able to decide what I mean to them, whether I am, in fact, their mother or if I am something "lesser" due to genetics.  It was really hard for me to accept this risk, I feel like I deserve to be a full mother, to be considered someone's mom and not deemed lesser by my own child.  It's a scary risk!

Then Maya Angelou died, and the radio stations covered all Maya Angelou for a couple of days.  And a quote was read and it struck me:

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right choice.

Wasn't my heart open?  It was open and waiting for a baby, my baby, however that baby would arrived.  I became a tiny bit excited, I could do this!  How my baby judged it's conception wouldn't matter and if it did matter then that was a trial for a different day.  All of my adopted friends consider their adopted mothers their 'real' mothers, even if they have searched/met their birth families.  (For the record I am open to adoption, but don't want to wait.  Also, I have step children who would need to be interviewed for a home study, which would mean sharing that I am infertile.)

I won't regret the road taken, I've done everything to have a genetic child.  I gave it my best college try (I never understood that saying) and it didn't work.  Of course, if money was no object maybe I would have dug deep into my soul for the emotional strength to do another 7-8 mini-IVF tries, which might have lead to a genetic child. 

Don't sit back and let yourself passively become a victim, you have choices!  Figure out what kind of shit you want in your life!  My choice is still the baby type of shit.

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