Saturday, August 2, 2014

Missing Pieces

While I am very excited that I will get, hopefully, to have a child and to carry the child, but I will miss setting expectations by saying things like 'I grew 6 inches in 6 months and hit puberty at the same time' or 'my teeth grew in almost perfectly straight' or 'my jaw pops, see, just like your jaw'.  I've already tempered statements for the step-children, since I am (clearly) not genetically related, but now I feel that I will have to toss them completely.  I don't want to say it and hear in the back of my head 'but not for you, I am not related to you'.

This feels like an appropriate time in the process to mourn the likely genetic traits that I will miss the most (and probably lose - epigenetics being an emerging field). 

I am right-handed.  My brother, one of his sons, my father, two grandparents and an aunt are left-handed (that's fully 30+% of my direct blood relations on both maternal and paternal sides).  Stranger still: I have a pencil-eraser sized (but flat, thankyouverymuch) mole on the right side of my chest.  My brother has the same mole on the left side of his chest.  (We are not twins, as much as everybody asked when we were children, we are 23 months apart.)

Brother and I, my 3rd grade year
Now I have blue eyes, and so does the donor, but DH has brown eyes.  I always assumed brown would be dominant, but I was excited to see what it would be.  For sure I will lose my eye shape, which was present in my father, my brother and both of his children (ie, it's fairly dominant).

I have wavy hair, my father had very curly and my mother very straight.  I was sort of hoping for a curly haired child.  My mother also had red hair as a child, my DH has a child with red hair, would that have pulled through?

Both my mother and I are very pale, both my brother and father are more dark (as in people ask(ed) if they are Arab or Portuguese).  I guess my point, if I have a point, it would have been so interesting to see.  And I suppose it's perfectly normal to wonder, but I know a lot of it is tied up in my grief for a father I never knew.  What parts of him would have been there?  Would I have recaptured some of my connection to him?

Don't mistake me, I'm happy I get to carry and I'm ecstatic that I will have a child.  I'm sad I lose all my genetic history, perhaps especially when I never got to have much of a connection with my father, or his family, in the first place.


  1. Thanks for linking up on my blog. This is such an interesting post to me because it describes the reason I'm so hesitant to even consider egg donation if it turns out that my eggs are indeed our problem. The thought of giving up that genetic connection and history really saddens me, but I know it may be my only option if I want to actually carry a child. I'm so glad you wrote this because I rarely see anyone who blogs about donor-assisted conception write about this. I'm looking forward to following your journey and seeing how you continue to process through this. Best wishes to you!

    1. Thank you Lisa! I have seen varying things too, from it doesn't matter at all to it matters so much I can't do it. I'm sad, but I want a family more than I want genetics. Also I don't have any more money for a genetic pursuit.