Thursday, August 21, 2014

More Waiting

Let's get this party started!  Or not...

I am a very driven person, or at least that what other people tell me.  I have a tendency to decide to do a thing and focus on getting it done immediately.  It's a challenging character trait, at least for other people who have to deal with me.  All this to say: my period started and I'd rather be moving forward, but we had already decided that we would wait another month.  Our original plan to transfer around early October, but it's definitely moved now to later. 

My cycle was only 22 days this past 'month', so it's not that long to wait.  It's the last wait, and it seems to be the longest at this moment.  I know I need this additional time to prep my body and soul for this experience, but I also want to get a move on!

This feeling is complicated a little bit by a tiny monster in the back of my head.  This monster wonders what the 'plan c' is.  I'm on plan b, I'm pursuing donated eggs.  What if it doesn't work?  What if we don't have any blastocycsts?  Any leftover frozen embryos?  What if I go through all of this only to end with empty arms?  I've given up so much, will I be asked to give up more?

And maybe part of the issue is that I am young, but my DH is not as young as I am.  I am scared, if it fails does this mean that we are done?  He's not opposed to adoption, but it's a long wait and then he would be older.  Would he want that?  Would it be me pushing it?  Would he be saying yes to appease me because he is worried I might leave him otherwise?  He has said it's not over if this fails, he has acknowledged this could fail, but how far should I push it?  What is fair to him and to our own life?  What money would we even have left to pursue having children?  Oh god, I don't even want to think about all the money I've spent if this fails.

Clearly I don't have the answers to these questions, but I am pondering them and wondering.  I am going to get on track, I am going to think positively (for the most part I do anyway), and I am going to eat right!  I'm not going to exercise, unless it's some light walking, because I'm lazy. 

2 comments:

  1. I can relate to so much of what you write! We are out $17,000 for my 1st failed one, and didn't have any left to freeze.

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  2. I've never had any frozen and only one embryo transfer in 4 IVF attempts, it is so hard to deal with. Best wishes on your next cycle!

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