Saturday, August 9, 2014

What Could Have Been

If life was easy for me and I was able to get pregnant... today I might have a rambunctious 3 year old boy.  Who would be making my life miserable and throwing cheerios at me from the backseat.  Maybe I'd even have another child.

If I only needed a little help to get pregnant... today I might have an angelic 1+ year old girl. She would be adorable and sweet and I might be exploring when would be a good time to take medication to have a second child.

If IVF could've worked, I might be pregnant right now and looking forward to having a new baby.

But instead, today, the day after one of my best friend's has had a baby, my arms are empty.  And while I am staring down a last chance of egg donation I desperately wish it was me with the baby.  I don't wish it wasn't her, I am happy for her and, of course, am excited and thrilled for her.  I feel all the feelings I should feel for her, who has been there for me through this all. 

I am filled with unbearable emptiness, tarred with the brush of loneliness that I will never escape from, and the pain of knowing that what I want might not ever be.

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