Saturday, August 30, 2014

Whew, This Week

This week has been an anxiety filled stress fest.  I'm feeling much better now, I turned a corner last night and then had a wonderful night's sleep. 

So the week started off with an job interview and an immediate (that day) selection to the next stage.  I waited anxiously to hear back and got the official verbal offer on Thursday.  They verbally offer because they had to offer me less than I am making now and had to make sure I was for sure interested.  DH and I discussed (at length) and asked for "extras" (I'd never done that before!) and decided it was worth it.  I should be making more within about 6 months and it's a literal 5 minute commute. 

I had had anxiety earlier in the week after a deep tissue massage, which isn't unusual.  Then after the discussion about the job, where the company wasn't able to meet my need of a two hour lunch one day a week, I may have freaked out about my counseling.  I couldn't sleep during the night, but I had to reach the difficult decision to accept the job without knowing for sure if my counselor can accommodate me (it was the start of a holiday weekend here in the US).  I hope that she can make arrangements for a few weeks or do phone appointments.  I do love her and I hope it works out. 

The reason I am freaking out about it is because I am embarking on this donor egg program and she has had 100% success with all her donor egg patients.  She feels like my lucky charm (in addition to an amazing counselor) and I was probably trusting in that a little too much.  In my head I thought "of course it's going to work, I see her"!   Honestly though, I know I am so stressed at my current job that it might have overridden any benefit I get from her.  I've only been at work two weeks since my last full week of vacation and ... it's been difficult, I'm angry and hurt and HATE IT. 

My manager did have a meeting right after vacation to apologize for calling me 'nearly insubordinate', it was super great because then I was told all about how I have to remind her if we are approaching that point again, and ask for clarification (which I did originally anyway, and she acknowledged that), and basically it came down to me being more responsible for our "relationship".  I was forced to give her ideas on how she could support me more.  Cue eye rolling. 

I did request both from my manager and my director (her boss) that certain work be removed from my desk.  I originally asked for this 4 weeks ago and there's been no movement, not even a tiny "good faith" effort to show they are serious about it.  On Thursday (due to the pending job offer, not that I told her that) I met with my director again because I had heard through office scuttlebutt that the answer was "no".  She was so insincere in her response and it was the first time I had noticed that from her.  She said she was still discussing and thinking about it and then proceeded to go through the whole list I had given her just 4 weeks ago again.  After 5 minutes I was looking at her and thought "I want to shove my pen into my eye, this is all bullshit.  She's just bullshitting me!!"

I think that sums up my current job.  I work so hard, I ask for things: a raise, training opportunities, not doing certain duties, work being reassigned and the answer is always "oh that's great! We'll work on it!".  Right now they want me to hold on just long enough to kill any opportunity to leave - and that's not going to work.  As soon as I have a written job offer I will give notice.  I am alternatively terrified and excited...isn't it that way with every change? 

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