Sunday, September 28, 2014

Lupron (Post 1?)

In case you couldn't tell I was very nervous about starting Lupron on Thursday, but I have survived my first few pricks.  Though a tweep mentioned the needles are dull and YES, they are dull, so I have thought about buying some new ones.  I do have a slight lightheaded or dizzy feeling, but it's not extreme and it could be because I was skipping lunch (as I often do) on the weekend. 

Emotionally I am feeling very good, not really angry or irritable, or at least not more than usually on birth control.  I was unexpectedly sad today though, I almost cried, but I am not really sure if that's Lupron related.  Let me explain:

Leaving my job was hard for one reason: my coworkers were amazing and three of them are dear friends.  I am going to miss the coworkers, but I thought I'd keep the friends.  I've texted all of them over the past week and spoke with one on the phone.  When I left we had plans to get together sometime this coming week after work to catch up.  But I don't think it's going to happen... I haven't heard back after chatting with one of them on Wednesday (after which she said she'd call me back because she had to go).  And I've sent her what might be considered an obnoxious amount of text messages... like 7 over the past 4 days.  Today I attempted to call her, mostly to tease her about being the worst texter in the history of texting, but also to see if Monday would work to go out.  She didn't answer... I didn't leave a message.  But I did want to cry when I hung up, I feel like I've lost her and I really thought I wouldn't.

I knew there would be a point in time where I wouldn't hear from them as much, but I guess I thought it would be much later.  I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong... (I have texted back and forth with the other two, which is awesome.)  Anyway, that's why I'm sad today, but I don't know that it has much to do with the drugs.

In other news: I don't have a cold.  I am fairly certain it's either a side effect of Lupron (I don't read side effects) OR a side effect of stopping all my normal supplements.  Basically my mucus membrane has dried up... which is only a problem in my nose, which will start to bleed.  So my (very mildly, upon waking only) sore throat, mildly plugged ears and sinus has gone away with one night of Neti Pot.  I will keep doing it and hope that it improves once my body is used to the medication and/or lack of supplements. 

And to close out my update - the stupidest cat I own enjoying something just short of chasing it's own tail: (apologies for the commercial in the background)

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

First Week of The Pill

It's been a busy (almost) first week at work.  I've been doing mostly clerical type stuff, which is actually really relaxing.  I am feeling so much lighter since I gave notice at my last job and life is a lot of light right now.  This new job may not be where I see myself 'career' wise in the future, but it's amazing at the moment and will hopefully allow some options when I have baby(ies).

The first week of the pill has been good.  I was prepared for the irritability, but not for the exhaustion.  It was terrible the first few days and it has gone away (or I've gotten used to is).  I do start Lupron tomorrow, which is slightly terrifying to me, but I am going to tap positivity when I take the shot.  (Tapping is an anxiety reducing exercise, but I use it for positive reinforcement too.)

I have been forced to reduce my supplements to only the prenatal and a baby aspirin.  I'm feeling very good so far!  It's usually a security blanket for me, so I am happy that I am doing so well without them.

This weekend I am hoping to change out my closet (from summer to winter) since it finally started raining here again.  I am so happy the rain is back!  I will also be ruthless with getting rid of unneeded junk, or as ruthless as I can be, I still haven't found it in my heart to get rid of the giant teddy bear my father bought me even though it's old and mangy.

With the ruthless give-away in mind - does anyone know how to get rid of my unneeded medications?  I have just a bit left over and I would like to give it to deserving people.  I should probably get on this before they expire.

I saw on my analytics that multiple hits have arrived from Google News, which is really irresponsible of Google.  Honestly, now I'm a respected news source?  That's not how this works...

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My Titles Suck

Today was the first day of my new job.  It was really good, I am still nervous about all the appointments, but I am very hopeful it will be ok.  I know I shouldn't care so much, I mean what's the worst they could do?  Fire me? 
This is going to be more of a picture post, I have had a busy last week and this is the quickest way to tell you.  There was the girl's weekend at the beach.  We could see Mt Baker clearly across the sound:
Mount Baker on a clear day.
Then we had a bonfire, it was very hot:
I wish I could claim I built this fire, but I just helped. 
Also I found the friend I want to be with during the apocalypse.
Then later in the week I went to the fair with my mom and, as usual, everything was fried:
I did not eat here, I did have a tasty lemonade.
We saw some livestock:
Adorable sheep, they'd just arrived.
And I bought quite a few things:

A Polish spoon, honey, new earbuds and a tailhitch for DH (for his b'day)

In other news my counselor wants me to think more positive thoughts, like I might have a bump by Christmas....!?!?!  I'm not sure whether to be excited or scared by that thought.  I think mostly excited...and a little scared.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Last and First Day

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had, and how I once loved you

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it
I heard this song (Carol King's It's Too Late) on the way to work today and it perfectly encapsulated the last day of my job.  It's too late for my work to win me back and, hopefully, in my exit interview today I can be honest and direct and, importantly, not burn any bridges.  I'm more than a little nervous about starting my new job and starting my exciting DE journey.
That's right: AF arrived on Monday.  I have the treatment calendar in my hot little hands and, yesterday, had some anxiety about doing this all at once.  My counselor had told me last week not to put off treatment (my real life) and today I'm feeling more comfortable with going forward into DE treatment. 
I felt ready for this treatment step before AF arrived, but now in the back of my head I'm a tiny bit terrified.  My heart and mind are hopeful, this will work and the BFP = take home baby.  I haven't ever been pregnant, I don't know what it's like, but I'm not worried about the pregnancy, I'm worried about the getting pregnant.  Is it wrong of me to feel that because I've never gotten pregnant that I get the easy pregnancy?  And I don't mean easy as in no sickness or barfing, but easy in that I get to keep this baby and I don't have serious scares. 
In my mind I am pregnant right away.  I get a take home baby because I am the world's best baby oven (I once called myself the 'Grace of Death' and cried with fear when they told me they would show me my living embryos before they transferred them back, so this has been a large shift).  It will be easy and simple and I won't be worried about hearing a heartbeat or having a genetic problem.  I will carry very late and have a full term baby/babies.  I am the 1%! (or whatever % gets all of this). 
Also, lupron will make me smarter and thinner and more pleasant to be around...please God!
Expect more updates as we move into this! I hope you enjoy them, I will try to be mostly positive.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Little This, Little That

I feel bad that I haven't written a real update in a while.  Last week I had family in town and it was awesome.  I love family!  We took them to professional games - MLS Soccer and NFL Football - and we went sightseeing too.  I was so sad when they left, I cried, which is what I always do when family leaves. 

I gave official notice at my job.  Since I was off I sent it in (via email) after business hours, my director called me the next morning and offered me what I'd been requesting and possibly 'incentives'.  I explained I was leaving and the new job was closer to home and I (gasp) told her I was taking less money to do it.  Hopefully that will be a blow, because it's not about the money.  If I was a good employee then I should have been worth it to make the changes I asked for.  I don't have the energy to find a new job or get a job offer every time I want a change or a fucking chance to learn new stuff.  It shouldn't be that big of a deal, you should want me to learn and grow and change in your organization.  You shouldn't leave me in the same exact job for 7 years and then get surprised when I leave.

Rant over. 

Monday was my first day back since giving notice.  I've had so many wonderful comments I'm going to put them in a document and take them with me so that I can remember that I do amazing work and people like me!  I feel so happy to be leaving, it's such a relief, and I'm not doing a good job of hiding it at work.  My desk all getting into order and I've made a list of all the stuff they have to do through January.  It should be ... absolutely insane for whoever takes the job.  I chatted with one coworker who was maybe interested, but she said she'd only take it if it was an 'analyst' position instead of a 'specialist' position.  I supposed there's a chance that could happen, but I doubt it.  They will probably rehire two to replace me (which is how it was when I was hired).

Onto the reason you read this blog, which is surprisingly not supposed to be about shitty work environments.  I "spoke" with my clinic yesterday (the RN coordinator and I emailed) and let them know I was just waiting for my period and then birth control would be started!  I have a phone consult with the RE next week and then I will find out the full schedule.  DH and I have a wonderful relationship, but he isn't the best communicator.  He is, however, responsible for money, so I told him last night that within a week I'd be starting the pill and meeting with the RE and asked "we are ready to go?"  I received the grunt of approval, woohoo!

I am excited and nervous and terrified.  I keep thinking I should postpone, but my life can't be on hold any longer.  Maybe my period will take extra long to arrive and I'll be able to relax more.  I'm always disappointed with myself because I feel that I shouldn't have any anxiety, I shouldn't worry during this time because it's not good for me.  I'm not making the eggs anymore, but I do worry that how much I've worried is going to be a problem.  You see how ridiculous I am at the moment.  But I'm ripping the bandaid off and moving forward!! This time of year is always horrible - steps return to school, so there's always drama and their (always overly dramatic) mother had blood clots in her lungs.  I had a night there panicked about raising two broken hearted steps, but she's made a recovery and is home from the hospital now. 

Keep me in your prayers or good juju thoughts as I start this new job.  Hopefully it will be the world's best transition and no one will make me cry!  Let's be honest, it wouldn't be hard to do on the pill...

Monday, September 8, 2014

BC: Rituals & Superstitions

Do you have any rituals or superstitions that you feel bring you good luck for appointments?

Actually no, I am not a big superstition or ritual person.  I do certain things during a cycle to help it be more successful like acupuncture, drinking bone marrow broth (gross), relaxing, counseling/hypnotherapy, and planning my meals more diligently.  However I do not have specific items that I find "lucky".   I have followed those on twitter  who do have items, but I always felt relieved since I don't have to get rid of the items after a failure, or conversely feel the need to hang onto it to remind me. 

I will occasionally see things as "unlucky", for example I have a necklace that I wore once and a family member became suddenly sick, so I haven't ever worn that necklace again. 

And I will usually pick a theme song for a cycle.  My most successful IVF cycle the song was Counting Stars by OneRepublic, specifically because of the lyrics

Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars

I think all of us IVFers can understand the sentiment of not counting dollars but instead counting stars with our child(ren).

Monday, September 1, 2014

BC: Seven Things

I will be trying to do a blog challenge for September, I'm going to pick four topics and do one a week in addition to my other posts.  I will title all of these with a "BC" for blog challenge and (other than this one or another super interesting one) will not promote it on twitter, so you'll have to check back every day if you are interested. 

Day 1: Let's start off kind of easy.  List 7 things about yourself so we can get to know you better.

1. I am an aunt! After my sister-in-law had her youngest she was talking about wanting a girl.  I sent her a link to one of those plans where you have sex at a specific times in your cycle and eat certain foods to try to conceive a girl.  She complained it was too much work (she conceived easily and is my age) and I wanted to slap her and that was even before any "hard core" infertility treatments. 

2.  My math GPA in high school was 1.9 and in college I only took Statistics and Business Math.  I (currently) am responsible for a million dollar bi-weekly payroll.  That's not terrifying...

3. I have panic disorder, but it has been under "control" for 5 years.  I worry that it will resurge post partum, but I guess that's a bridge to cross if it happens (when I have a baby).  It also can exhaust adrenal glands and I do wonder if my 6 month un-medicated struggle caused my infertility.  I did get an antidepressant after 6 months, I stayed on them for 9 months (I couldn't orgasm on it and that drove DH crazy), then switched to the natural 5HPT, which I stopped a month before I started TTC. 

4.  I received an award for "sweetest spirit" in fifth grade and was very offended.  Can't you see how tough I am! I am not sweet!  I am still told I am sweet and as a young adult was often told I was "innocent", as in hadn't seen a lot of the which point I described how my father was killed and then asked if they still found me innocent.  They usually didn't. 

5.  I always wondered about the "peer pressure" to do drugs.  Honestly all my druggie friends in high school didn't really want to share expensive illegal drugs.  I was only ever interested in doing LSD, but didn't like the side effect of possibly being crazy the rest of your life.  I have never done an illegal substance... unless you count smoking a Cuban cigar in America, which technically it is.

6.  I had childhood PTSD, which is different than adult PTSD, and when I sent my mom the list of symptoms she said "you didn't throw temper tantrums", so I didn't have one symptom out of six.  I remember having (what I now know are) flashbacks, I would hear a voice screaming in my head saying terrible things and curse words.  I had an uncle who was schizophrenic and was ostracized from the family, when I asked what it was I was told "he heard voices" (which is a totally appropriate explanation for a child), therefore I didn't tell my mother about the voice since I was sure I would also be thrown out of the family.  (He was not thrown out of the family only for having schizophrenia, but it's a long story.)

7.  I lost my virginity while black-out drunk to a boyfriend I had tried to break up with 3 months earlier.  He declined to be broken up, saying I was watching too much Friends and life wasn't really like that, and I decided to tough it out until graduation (we were in our last college semester).  He drove me home from a party where we were supposed to stay overnight with lots of friends, hence the reason I drank so much, and I don't remember any of it.  I know I didn't say no, but that doesn't make it right.  I felt pressure to continue doing it, but in another 6 months of dating only did twice, one of those ended because I couldn't stop crying. 

That ended up being more depressing that I thought it would be.  Maybe I was supposed to share things like 'I like coke' and 'Ted Gunn is right, yellow does make everybody look like a sallow mess'.  Hopefully you know me a little bit better now, also maybe infertility isn't the worst thing that's happened to me?  Wait that's not true: I feel like God should have given me one damn easy thing that "everybody" else gets.