Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Last and First Day

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had, and how I once loved you

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it
I heard this song (Carol King's It's Too Late) on the way to work today and it perfectly encapsulated the last day of my job.  It's too late for my work to win me back and, hopefully, in my exit interview today I can be honest and direct and, importantly, not burn any bridges.  I'm more than a little nervous about starting my new job and starting my exciting DE journey.
That's right: AF arrived on Monday.  I have the treatment calendar in my hot little hands and, yesterday, had some anxiety about doing this all at once.  My counselor had told me last week not to put off treatment (my real life) and today I'm feeling more comfortable with going forward into DE treatment. 
I felt ready for this treatment step before AF arrived, but now in the back of my head I'm a tiny bit terrified.  My heart and mind are hopeful, this will work and the BFP = take home baby.  I haven't ever been pregnant, I don't know what it's like, but I'm not worried about the pregnancy, I'm worried about the getting pregnant.  Is it wrong of me to feel that because I've never gotten pregnant that I get the easy pregnancy?  And I don't mean easy as in no sickness or barfing, but easy in that I get to keep this baby and I don't have serious scares. 
In my mind I am pregnant right away.  I get a take home baby because I am the world's best baby oven (I once called myself the 'Grace of Death' and cried with fear when they told me they would show me my living embryos before they transferred them back, so this has been a large shift).  It will be easy and simple and I won't be worried about hearing a heartbeat or having a genetic problem.  I will carry very late and have a full term baby/babies.  I am the 1%! (or whatever % gets all of this). 
Also, lupron will make me smarter and thinner and more pleasant to be around...please God!
Expect more updates as we move into this! I hope you enjoy them, I will try to be mostly positive.

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