Wednesday, October 29, 2014

TWW PTSD

I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday and we discussed how I've been feeling during the two week wait.  It's been a little hard for me this time.  I've felt worried or sad about getting mad at my DH and having to give myself a shot in the leg. 

What I figured it is that I have PTSD (the imaginary kind, not the actual real kind) to my other two week wait after embryo transfer.  I was convinced I was pregnant by the day of the pregnancy test (I don't pee on a stick).  When I found out I wasn't it was very ... traumatic.  It was shock and I immediately began sobbing. 

Of course, I have spent a lot of time symptom spotting during two week waits.  The result after 4 years worth is that you've had every conceivable symptom to indicate pregnancy, and none of them have actually been a pregnancy.  It's hard to spot a symptom now and think it's a positive sign. I often think 'but I had that last time', and then think it couldn't possibly be a real sign. 

With my counselor's help I remembered that I have no regrets about how I handled past cycles.  I've been positive and it didn't work out, but that's ok.  Being positive doesn't make it hurt more at the end, and I can't spent the whole next week grieving what might not need to be grieved.

In other news I did give myself a shot of progesterone in the leg tonight!  I was worried about the stabbing motion, but it went through the skin very quickly (I did ice beforehand) and the hardest part was pushing in the oil (because it's so thick!). 
Needle, after it was removed from my leg.
Tomorrow is another day at the conference.  Hopefully I won't shove my foot deeper into my mouth with my boss.  Nothing is safe from my powers of disclosure, unless it's that I'm PUPO.  That's locked in a vault.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Transfer

Yesterday was only my second embryo transfer ever.  My first also being a 3 day transfer of my (only) genetic children at my old clinic.  I was super mad at that clinic because they didn't give me specific water drinking instructions (you are supposed to have a full bladder) and then they made me wait more than a half hour after my appointment time to go back to the transfer room.  I have never cried because my bladder was painfully full, but I was definitely close that time.
 
And other than giving me specific water drinking instructions this clinic didn't do much better.
 
But back to the beginning, I had gotten an acupuncture appointment for both before and after my appointment (woohoo!).  Of course DH and I promptly got into an argument in the car upon arrival because I thought DH would go to acupuncture with me and he was not into that.  Which was fine but he got immediately annoyed at me for even thinking he would go.  So, of course, I was angry about his attitude (my normal thing to get angry about, speak nicely to me!).  We were fine by the time I had to go in, except I am very fair and so looked like someone who had been crying.  I don't mind crying as much as I mind looking like someone who's been crying.
 
I was checked in and given my hospital bracelet.  The acupuncturist was a total hippy, but also grandmotherly and I liked her a lot.  We did the acupuncture in the transfer room!  It was very relaxing, even had warm blankets.  She pulled the pins at about 1:45 (my transfer was scheduled for 2pm) and it seemed like everything would be starting right away.  DH had perfect timing and showed up immediately after the needles were out. 
 
A medical assistant checked us in and my bladder was feeling pretty full.  We waited for the doctor, and the clock hit 2pm.  DH wanted to go get his iPad (since we were having to wait so long) but both of us were worried it would start as soon as he left to go get it.  At 2:15 I really needed to pee and he was annoyed he could've made it to get his iPad - then the acupuncturist came back in and thought she would be doing the post transfer acupuncture... except no one had been by at all!!
 
Let me just say - I understand this is a medical procedure and medical places are often behind.  But when I am paying over $20k for a service I would like some goddamned customer service.  Stop in my room and let me know the doctor is running late.  I was beginning to get very worried that the clinic didn't know where I was (my name was up in the computer screen though, so that couldn't be true), that there was a problem with the embryos OR that they were somehow putting the embryos into the wrong person.  Also I really needed to pee.
 
The acupuncturist went and found out they were held up with an 'IUI emergency' (did they put the wrong sperm in someone?!), she probably shouldn't have told me that.  The doctor finally arrived at 2:30.  The ultrasound tech took a quick picture of my bladder and declared it 'too full'.  Both wanted me to pee just a little bit out.  I refused to even attempt this.  Once the seal is broken it all comes out, and that's what I told them.  I also feel like they should have to navigate around my giant bladder when they waited so long.  Someone could've stopped by at 2pm and had me pee and there would have been plenty of time for the bladder to refill.  Seriously.
 
Everything started happening very quickly then.  Again, some of this they could've done earlier, there was nothing stopping the embryologist from stopping in and answering our questions.  It felt a little bit rushed, but really they have no answers for why eggs don't defrost, don't develop, etc.  They did a quick mock pass and it went well.  Then they activated the embryo camera and I verified my name on the petri dish.  They showed the two little spots and then zoomed in so you could see the pretty little embryos.  We watched the little zygotes get sucked up into the catheter and then they squirted them into me!  There was no need to repeat, it was a clean transfer.  It was a very quick experience. 
 
 
Babies first picture
One has 0% fragmentation - 0%!!!
 
Before the procedure (and my last clinic said this too) it was emphasized that the very full bladder may distort the cervix and that's why they always ask you to release some when you're really full.  I am pretty sure this is bullshit, I think it's all about how squirmy you are when you need to pee.  I base this on the doctor who complimented me by saying 'I wasn't squirmy at all' and she was very impressed because most couldn't hold it without squirming and interrupting the process. 
 
 
Then I was driven home by the angriest taxi driver ever, AKA my dear husband.  There was a lot of cursing and hitting the gas really hard.  I sat in the backseat to minimize the terror.  I often wonder what it must be like to be married to a normal driver.  It must be amazing....
View of my drive home. 
So now sitting at home, relaxing for the weekend.  Trying not to be worried about whether this will work.  We have a chance of 0-2 eggs making it to blast and getting frozen.  I am more than a little bummed that 14 eggs and a lot of money has become maybe two transfers.  I am working really hard to keep the faith right now and be open to the possibilities.  I am hoping this will work really well, I'm hoping, hoping, hoping.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Upper Butt Pain

Honestly, I can't think of a title right now, but my upper butt does ache pretty bad from the PIO shot tonight.  I have heat on it right now, which seems to be easing off the pain.  I am exhausted, which is part of the progesterone side effects.  And my back doesn't ache quite as bad as last time I had to take these shots, so I can only assume the "ice, shot, heat" is working well - the reason it hurts so much tonight is because I did "ice, shot....wait.....start bath....make bone broth...oo, it's hurting so.... heat!".  Should've known better.

Tonight I was supposed to have an appointment with my acupuncturist, but they called early this afternoon to tell me that she was sick and the appointment was cancelled.  I figured I would just get in on Monday, but there was nothing open.  Additionally I also had to cancel my appointment for next week since I'm not sure I will be back from my conference and now I don't have an appointment until after my pregnancy test.  That's total shit.  I feel a little abandoned right now.

So after predictably freaking out on Twitter I tried to figure something out.  My clinic actually contracts with an acupuncturist, and the number was listed on my transfer instructions.  Originally I wasn't going to use them because I already have, and am comfortable with, my own acupuncturist.  I called them number and prayed they'd be able to fit me in.  They called me back in about an hour and could!  Yippee! And she sounds pretty nifty, she will do both pre and post transfer acupuncture on me while at the clinic.  I was a little worried my DH would be annoyed at spending more time, but I emailed him and let him know the change in plan (that way if he's annoyed when he finds out I don't have to hear about it, it's a little trick I've learned).  He is fine.  What was he going to do on Saturday anyway!?

Most exciting: this morning all 8 were still dividing.  5 were 'good', 1 was 'fair' and 2 were 'poor', but I am very happy with this.  They will transfer 2 tomorrow and I'm really hoping we have at least 3 to freeze. 

Transfer tomorrow everyone!  Pray it goes smoothly and that my butt stops hurting eventually.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Start of Life

So yesterday I was sure a 'Debbie Downer', it all turned out well for the cat though.  It was an infected anal gland - actually it had abscessed, poor kitty.  After a chunk of change at the 24 hour vet he is on the mend! 

Today I got the fertilization report.  Out of 14 eggs, 8 defrosted (bummer, what about the other 6! That's my question for Saturday) and all 8 fertilized.  Woohoo!

I am excited and ... conflicted.  Of course I am thrilled that all the eggs fertilized, but it feels a little like a slap in the face.  My DH is 10 years older and his sperm is all fertilizing eggs...but not my eggs.  It really drives home that it is me that has a problem.  And of course I didn't want him to have a problem, but the fertilization rate could have been one egg less than 100%.  Damn overachieving sperm, it better keep being this awesome. 

I don't know if it's the PIO shots, but I am exhausted.  I need a really long night's sleep, I hoping for it tonight or tomorrow!  Off to bed for me now...

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Falling Apart

My counselor said that anxiety would increase prior to transfer.  I'm not a big fan of anxiety, so I am working hard on keeping calm and accepting how anxious I feel.  There are some personal family issues going on with my step kids that boiled over tonight and is worrying me.  I'm not going to explain what in case my anonymity is breached someday (it probably wouldn't be hard), but basically I worry about one of them.  I only want them both to grow up being healthy and happy adults.  It's hard to be a step-parent, I get a decent amount of worry without any of the responsibility (for lack of a better word).  I don't get to be involved in discipline or raising the child, especially true as a stepmom with a weekend dad.  I have been made acutely aware that only one person really matters for these children, and that is their mother.  She has made them feel this way, everything is "poor her" (always, always drama) and that has rubbed off so much on both her children.  I'm just worried, I want them to be ok.

One of my cats, the one I suspected wasn't feeling great in the Stressors post, he seemed to be improving.  He didn't seem to be drinking as much water and he had become withdrawn a little bit.  I didn't think too much of it since cats typically go through phases ("I love you", "eh, you're ok from over here", "OMG get away lady!").  When I was getting ready for bed DH said that Josh's (the cat) butt was wet and maybe he was having problem peeing?  We made plans that I would take him to the vet tomorrow.  I finished getting ready...

Then I walked into our bedroom and my DH was standing there looking very concerned.  He told me to take a look at Josh's butt, so I did, and I found a full fissure had opened up next to his anus (sorry for the words, but I don't know how else to describe it).  We immediately decided emergency Vet was in order, our clinic is associated with one, so I called and they said to bring him in.  DH is taking him, but I don't have high hopes.  I was pretty sure Josh had diabetes when he was drinking all that water, so I am worried that it has suddenly become more serious.  I will be very sad to say goodbye to him, I should be more positive, but it really looks bad.  DH says I'm not a vet, but we will see. 

This is a downer post, I'm sorry.  I get my fertilization report tomorrow morning and I was so nervous about that, but all of this has pushed that out of my head. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Going Forward

I had a whole explanation of how this cycle had caused my panic attack, but basically it's like the clinic stripped me naked of all my security blankets, pumped me full of hormones, and I was surprised it resulted in a breakdown.  I can't wait until I get my supplements (D3, Omega-3, CoQ10) back.

So, last week was actually quite busy before that happened.  I had gone out with a friend for dinner on Wednesday and we went shopping at Sephora.  I am such a sucker for high quality cosmetics.  I had tried a fantastic new skin primer by Hourglass (psst, some of their products are also gluten free) and I loved it.  I needed to buy some more and I wanted to try their Skin Tint.  I was very excited by my purchases and so very disappointed when I came home to look up the tint on EWC.org.  One of the active ingredients is a 6, it's a sunscreen (disappointing because I hate wearing sunscreens) and it has been found in some studies to bio accumulate.  Which is unacceptable for a high end brand.  I am still trying to decide whether to try it, since the data it was based on is 'limited', or just return it and buy another foundation.  I'd still like to go with that brand, but I'd research all the ingredients beforehand this time.  (It's still better than Tarte, which I gave up on after I had used their tinted moisturizer only to find out it has an ingredient that's a 9.  A 9!  I do not want to die from cosmetic use, thank you.)

Also I had an adjustment by my chiropractor.  I was all anxious when I was there because I was in a hurry to get to the aforementioned dinner.  It was taking for-ev-er for him to get to me (probably like 5 extra minutes) and after the adjustment I hopped up off the bed.  And quickly gasped in pain while grabbing the wall for support...  I had gone in because my upper back was in a bit of pain from all the filing I had done at work (bonus points for new boss!), but it was my lower back that was spasming*.  He grabbed the little vibrator-thing and got it to relax a bit.  I walked around the room as well to try and get it loose.  I was a little accusatory and he was like "well you do have a disc problem in your lower back".  To which I pointed out it never causes me a problem!  (One of my lower discs is down to an 8 when it would be most comfy at a 12).  My lower back was quite painful when he adjusted it, so I know I wasn't registering the pain occurring before.  Now I'm a little nervous, when I get pregnant how will my body react to carrying?  How will it react to an epidural?  I don't want a natural birth!!!  Ok, I might be ok with a natural birth, but I was hoping to have options.  Why do I always want options?  Shit, by now I should know I'm never going to get them. 

Ok, I'm not seriously worrying about that now, but it is a concern for when I am birth plan prepping.  I still seriously want to hire a doula to help me too.  My counselor is going to give me questions to screen an OB too, but she will also give me all the right answers.  I'm pretty decided against getting a Doppler, it sounds like it can be hard to find the heartbeat and I don't need that stress.  I'm getting ahead of myself because...

Today (I wrote most of this earlier and am updating this in the parking lot of my clinic) the ultrasound showed a lining of 8.5 with textbook trilayers! So happy, we are waiting the estrogen result, but it needs to be above 150 or higher than last week.  Since last week I was 310 I am hoping it won't be a problem!!!

I had cramps for the past few days and a tiny bit of spotting (I think due to constipation) and all that stress last week, but I kept my mind on the goal of a thick lining and it worked out!  I am excited and nervous and nervous....and really nervous.  Time to get pregnant with another person's baby!  I mean MY BABY, because I'm going to grow an amazing one.

*apparently "spasming" is not a word.  How is that right?  You all know what I mean.
**all opinions about cosmetics are my own.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Resolve: Give Voice


Resolve has some challenges for us bloggers over the next couple months and October is...

Give Voice: During this month, we want you to tell your infertility story. The month of October is dedicated to spreading awareness about the disease of infertility and its impact on your life.

Apparently Resolve has missed all the times I've told my infertility story, you can see it on
the first post on this blog, on the infertility timeline I created, and even on the guest post I wrote for Amateur Nester.  Instead here are two things that I've learned:

#1: I'll admit, as a teenager and a young adult I was ... judgmental of those who chose to pursue infertility treatments.  I thought 'why wouldn't you just adopt?' and I thought about all the lonely children out there.  Now, of course, I realize there aren't a whole bunch of babies in a room somewhere waiting to be adopted, or if there are they are not easily accessible.  In my defense: I was not an infertile when I changed my opinion on this, within just a few years I realized no ones choice for treatment should be questioned.


#2: I thought IVF was only for the "old" set, I thought DEIVF was only for the "older" set, and I thought IVF was mostly successful.  I realize that IVF can be a treatment for a number of different diseases causing infertility, but the success rate is not as good as any of us would like.  It seems there is a set that gets pregnant easily during IVF, maybe the only issue being tubal, and the rest of us who do multiple IVFs with little or no luck.  That was hard to realize and it was hard to comprehend there wasn't a treatment for poor egg quality, but when there wasn't any more emotional reserve to continue I had to move to my next treatment option. 

The cold fact is that all women will, at some point, become infertile.  While I didn't expect to have problems at 30, I also wouldn't have waited until I was 40 to attempt to have a child.  I am an outspoken advocate of knowing your own body.  Don't wait until you are 25 or 30 or 35 to find out how your fertility is.  If I had known when I was 25 that my fertility was fading or had already (I assume) faded, what would I have done differently?  I'm not sure we could have afforded anything or how that would have changed my decisions, but I am positive that my outcome could have been better using younger eggs. 

Without further ado: to check your own fertility you should at the very least request a cycle day 3 FSH test and an AMH test.  You want low FSH (under 5) and high AMH (not sure what normal is, but there are scales, I know under 5 is bad).  If you see any problems with these numbers I would strongly suggest a visit with an RE, even if you are not going to be trying soon.  Knowledge is power and knowing your options or outcomes is half the battle.  The honest truth is that you don't have to want children to get these numbers.  Maybe you're on the fence, maybe you know you don't ever want rugrats, but having premature ovarian failure is dangerous and can lead to osteoporosis and higher risks of heart disease.  Hormone replacement therapy is recommended, and very well tolerated without (currently) the risks that HRT has in older women who are past menopause (cancers, etc).
 
I wish all of you luck on your own journeys.  May they be easy with no medical complications or failures. 
 
Ahem, of course I am not a medical professional.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

That Was...Fun?

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I had a freak out on Thursday.  I had read something about Ebola and then pretty much had a full blown panic attack, although I didn't throw up (my usual MO for panic attacks).  I sat at work for the first hour and thought about either crying or puking.  Either would have been bad considering I am new there.  I did take breaks to go tap (emotional freedom technique) in the bathroom, which is a single person bathroom, and that helped. 

By Thursday night I was in a full blown state of panic, desperately fighting the feeling of sinking.  I don't know how many of you have panic disorder, I sincerely hope none of you do, but it's terrifying.  You feel as if you are going crazy and you know you are going crazy and you can't do anything to stop it.  I did go to acupuncture and that helped a bit, but I forgot my biggest rule in the panic disorder fight.  That is: don't fight.

I've never won by fighting, I've only won by accepting. Accepting my fear and my craziness and that I feel this way.  It sounds weird, but it's really worked for me.  I finally starting accepting Thursday night, I still didn't sleep well, but I didn't panic all night.  I ate the next morning, which was excellent since recovery from a panic attack can sometimes take me as long as three days, and I made sure I ate and drank all day (which is what my acupuncturist said the real danger to my lining was).  I was still experiencing quite a few anxious feelings on Friday, but I accepted all of them and they passed.

Friday night I sleep like a rock and I have felt really good today.  I am a vaguely anxious about how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day, but I am moving forward out of crazy, which is positive.

So, if none of that made sense to you, you are truly lucky.  In other news my estrogen last Monday was a 'fantastic' 310, I have my ultrasound this coming Monday and I am really hoping to start PIO on Tuesday (who knew I'd want to do that!).  I'll try and keep you updated, I am still keeping to myself a bit to ensure I don't stress out again.  It's silly but it will keep me functioning for a bit. 

I should probably now apologize because I've written this very fast without glasses on, so there are probably tons of typos.  But I'm not going to... so there.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Stressors

During cycles, and this counts even though I am not supplying the eggs, I like to keep all stressors at a minimum.  It's one of the reasons I left my job... the other reasons was that I hated that job.  Here are the things that are or have stressed me out this cycle, some are more serious that others (you can figure it out): 

Ebola: obvious reasons.  Actually I love the study of how germs/bacteria/diseases spread and, dare I say, am fairly well versed in most major diseases (for a lay person).  Part of this is my interest (BA degree) in history, since history can be best understood when also understanding environmental factors that play into it.  So normally I'd love to follow this disease, but I'm not a huge fan of catching diseases.  Also there are other diseases, not typically airborne, that have become airborne.  So there's that.

My toenail: it considered starting to become an ingrown toenail and I wondered if I should see a doctor but I didn't want to mess up this cycle with antibiotics.  So I did what I would normally do and popped it out and did a few Epson salt soaks.  The pain faded slowly, but is now totally gone (thank goodness).  I've actually never had a truly ingrown toenail, but the thought of one terrifies me!

This carrot: I do not have small hands, why is it so big?  How did it get this way?
Not the best picture, I realized it was blurry only after I cut up the carrot.

My sore throat: was it a cold? was it allergies?  Is it an effect of the Lupron? Either way it keeps coming and going.  Which reminds me that I need to buy some bottled water for my Neti pot, otherwise it will get worse again.

This cat: he has felt the need to start drinking tons of water and peeing lots.  That might mean something, but I don't really want to know and consequently haven't taken him to the vet yet since he doesn't seem sick.  Unfortunately I wouldn't give an animal shots morning and night to keep it alive, it would be too stressful on both of us.

Yes, he's adorable. We got him at the Shelter a few years ago when he was 9 years old.
Making new friends at work.  It's really not much of a secret I am a totally geeky person.  However, I have a lot of experience making friends as I switched schools 9 times and lived in 3 different states.  So a new workplace shouldn't be such a hard thing.  I've been having a lot of those moments when you know you've said too much or too little or maybe put your foot in your mouth?  I am almost constantly thinking 'arrgghhh!' while walking away, hopefully conversations will start and end more naturally after a while.

This spot under my eye.  It showed up when I woke up this morning.  Where's it from?  Why is it here?  Will it go away or is it one of those stupid marks I get from being Irish and pale?  Those marks don't usually go away....
Stop judging my eyebrows. 
Everybody wants them but this is what happens when
you don't have the inclination to style them in the morning.

Estradiol: the drug company apparently thinks having a 1mg pill in light blue and a 2mg pill in teal is good? Not a fan, it makes me nervous! What if I get the bottles mixed up and take the wrong one?  It keeps me constantly guessing.
Which is blue, which is teal?
Stop being a smartass, no one asked you... oh, wait... 
Most of these I am able to let go of, but seriously that toenail thing really got in my mind.  What if I should have gone to the doctor? What if the very slight infection ruined my chances?  How did that carrot get to be so big?!?

Honestly, it's the little things that kill your confidence.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

There comes a point in every cycle... well mostly every cycle except for the early easy ones when you're only huffing Clomid*... where you get this deep abiding fear/panic/sheer panic (it varies).  And it's not about whether the cycle works out or not, or whether everything is going right, or whether you are accidentally ovulating/not ovulating/having a period.  It's when you think "oh God, I might have to do this again and I really, really can't".

All of us know the risks going in.  There isn't a 100% success rate for anything to treat infertility.  I read an article the other day that said humans are inefficient procreators, a horse (for example) will almost always get pregnant when inseminated.  I use the horse example because I found a relative's horse insemination logs (veterinarian) and that's totally true, out of 50 horses only 3 would not become pregnant during insemination.  3!! That's like a 94% fertility rate.  If only the success rate for any of our treatments was so high.

So in the midst of me doing a 2015 calendar at work and thinking 'wow I might be making an announcement here' or 'I might be due here' (see, I'm being very positive), I thought I might have to walk this path again.  And I would mind walking it again to get my second child, but I'm so tired.  I'm so ready for my baby.

It's odd because before this I had reached a place where I was emotionally ready for DE.  And I am ready, I'm just exhausted by the constant struggle.  I recognize it, it's the reason I was able to move past having my own genetic child, I was too exhausted to continue emotionally (and, of course, financially) putting myself out there to get a chance at it.  I am done rolling the dice, I am done taking chances, I am done walking this road.

If this is negative beta, and there's a small chance it could be, I don't know what I will do.  I will probably do it again as long as we have embryos.  But I don't want to, I feel the exhaustion in my bones, I am ready for this part of my journey to be over.  I don't know if I'm explaining myself well, I don't know if you can know this feeling if you haven't ever been here.  Some parts of this journey are just too hard.

I want you all to know, I am fine, I am very positive, but this blog is also a place to talk about how infertility feels. 

In more...exciting?...news: I start 2mg of Estradiol tomorrow, woohoo!  My night sweats have faded and I started drinking my marrow soup to help my lining build up.  I am looking forward to my blood test (and paperwork turn in) on Monday and I (GASP) bought veggies tonight at the store.  I am hoping to force a few in my mouth over the coming weeks (I know, these veggies won't last that long, I do understand I'll have to buy more).  I have a new relaxation from my counselor/hypnotherapist and I'll get to visualize all the good things happening in my body right now.  I have to keep my eye on making this body the best baby-making-oven

*I am aware you don't actually huff Clomid...but it was so long ago I barely remember.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Consent Form Drama

After my suppression check my coordinator (nurse), who I loved, called me and told me the clinic couldn't find my consent forms.  I was fully compromised by Lupron and thus so annoyed.  I was sure I had signed those damn forms and I couldn't believe that after having paid the bill that this would hold up our process. 

Actually signing a piece of paper is not a big deal.  It's the fact that either both of us have to be present at the clinic or we have to have the paper notarized.  There are notaries at both of our work places, but the form is still going to be logged as a consent for DE IVF or IVF, which is not really want you want someone at work to know. 

After work that day I thought about it more, and the Lupron fog lifted slightly, and I am fairly certain we didn't sign any papers.  I suppose it didn't cross my mind that we'd need to.  We had for IVF, but that was the first time at this clinic and my other clinic only had us sign once (also that clinic didn't require a notary for my DH).  I suppose there is the small matter of donor eggs, but obviously I paid a ton of money to buy eggs, so of course I want the clinic to use them.

So, after all of the drama, I emailed my lovely coordinator and said I was pretty sure we had missed the signing.  She confirmed it should have been done at my last appointment with the doctor, which was a phone consult, and I asked what we need to do to get her the forms.  We have agreed to a plan (I don't think they are technically supposed to let me get past suppression check without signing these) and all is settled. 

This week has been good, I've been feeling less anxious since starting Estradiol (estrogen) on Sunday and after a super long (4 days, so just super long for me) period my body finally seems to be ready to start building a lining.  Acupuncture is tomorrow, so that will help get me back on track too.  I need to avoid junk food, keep taking my medicine, and eat right...I had two salads this weekend, that's got to count as eating right!  One was at an all you can eat buffet and the other was before pizza....but it still counts.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Supression Check

This past week was insanely busy, mostly in order to keep my mind off of this cycle, and now I think that might have been a mistake.

On Friday I had my suppression check, my lining was appropriately thin and my ovaries had no cysts!  It is all a go and I assumed I wasn't going to have a 'true' period since my calendar said I "may or may not start a period".  I had some very light spotting for a while and then nothing, I shared this with the Nurse Practitioner who did my ultrasound and she made it sound like that was the expected period.  However she seemed very inexperienced, because when I said I had night sweats she said she hoped my estrogen wasn't too high - and night sweats happen when your estrogen is low as well.  Then on Saturday afternoon I started a true full flow period. 

Let's be honest: I am freaking out a bit.  Today (Sunday) I start estradiol and I did take my pill this  morning, but the period is still going strong.  I assume it will be my usual 2-3 days of flow and ... I am not sure what this means.  Does this push my cycle out?  Will the clinic not worry about it?  Is taking estradiol under these conditions a little like flushing it through my system?  I don't know!

My real concern is that I don't have a lot of wiggle room.  I planned a work conference for 4 days after my 3 day transfer.  I can't really imagine having to cancel it, though I suppose I will have to if the worst happens.  But I was so excited to be invited as a new employee that I said yes and this is the perfect month for everything to happen - the clinic schedule and my personal schedule coincide so perfectly and I want it to work so badly.

Quite honestly I can't wait until my estrogen levels rise again, I will be less annoyed and the night sweats might ease off for a little bit.  Also my anxiety has been stronger, I assume because my hormones are not within a normal range.  It feels a bit like the first time the boat has started rocking and I'm retching over the side.  Being calm is on the agenda today...I planned this weekend to be relaxing but it's hard to be relaxed when I'm not sure what this all means....

UPDATED: I called the clinic and it just means I started my period a little later than they would normally see, but it's apparently totally fine.  Whew!  Why didn't I call sooner?  Because I am an idiot, clearly.