Thursday, October 9, 2014

Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

There comes a point in every cycle... well mostly every cycle except for the early easy ones when you're only huffing Clomid*... where you get this deep abiding fear/panic/sheer panic (it varies).  And it's not about whether the cycle works out or not, or whether everything is going right, or whether you are accidentally ovulating/not ovulating/having a period.  It's when you think "oh God, I might have to do this again and I really, really can't".

All of us know the risks going in.  There isn't a 100% success rate for anything to treat infertility.  I read an article the other day that said humans are inefficient procreators, a horse (for example) will almost always get pregnant when inseminated.  I use the horse example because I found a relative's horse insemination logs (veterinarian) and that's totally true, out of 50 horses only 3 would not become pregnant during insemination.  3!! That's like a 94% fertility rate.  If only the success rate for any of our treatments was so high.

So in the midst of me doing a 2015 calendar at work and thinking 'wow I might be making an announcement here' or 'I might be due here' (see, I'm being very positive), I thought I might have to walk this path again.  And I would mind walking it again to get my second child, but I'm so tired.  I'm so ready for my baby.

It's odd because before this I had reached a place where I was emotionally ready for DE.  And I am ready, I'm just exhausted by the constant struggle.  I recognize it, it's the reason I was able to move past having my own genetic child, I was too exhausted to continue emotionally (and, of course, financially) putting myself out there to get a chance at it.  I am done rolling the dice, I am done taking chances, I am done walking this road.

If this is negative beta, and there's a small chance it could be, I don't know what I will do.  I will probably do it again as long as we have embryos.  But I don't want to, I feel the exhaustion in my bones, I am ready for this part of my journey to be over.  I don't know if I'm explaining myself well, I don't know if you can know this feeling if you haven't ever been here.  Some parts of this journey are just too hard.

I want you all to know, I am fine, I am very positive, but this blog is also a place to talk about how infertility feels. 

In more...exciting? I start 2mg of Estradiol tomorrow, woohoo!  My night sweats have faded and I started drinking my marrow soup to help my lining build up.  I am looking forward to my blood test (and paperwork turn in) on Monday and I (GASP) bought veggies tonight at the store.  I am hoping to force a few in my mouth over the coming weeks (I know, these veggies won't last that long, I do understand I'll have to buy more).  I have a new relaxation from my counselor/hypnotherapist and I'll get to visualize all the good things happening in my body right now.  I have to keep my eye on making this body the best baby-making-oven

*I am aware you don't actually huff Clomid...but it was so long ago I barely remember.

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