Saturday, October 18, 2014

That Was...Fun?

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I had a freak out on Thursday.  I had read something about Ebola and then pretty much had a full blown panic attack, although I didn't throw up (my usual MO for panic attacks).  I sat at work for the first hour and thought about either crying or puking.  Either would have been bad considering I am new there.  I did take breaks to go tap (emotional freedom technique) in the bathroom, which is a single person bathroom, and that helped. 

By Thursday night I was in a full blown state of panic, desperately fighting the feeling of sinking.  I don't know how many of you have panic disorder, I sincerely hope none of you do, but it's terrifying.  You feel as if you are going crazy and you know you are going crazy and you can't do anything to stop it.  I did go to acupuncture and that helped a bit, but I forgot my biggest rule in the panic disorder fight.  That is: don't fight.

I've never won by fighting, I've only won by accepting. Accepting my fear and my craziness and that I feel this way.  It sounds weird, but it's really worked for me.  I finally starting accepting Thursday night, I still didn't sleep well, but I didn't panic all night.  I ate the next morning, which was excellent since recovery from a panic attack can sometimes take me as long as three days, and I made sure I ate and drank all day (which is what my acupuncturist said the real danger to my lining was).  I was still experiencing quite a few anxious feelings on Friday, but I accepted all of them and they passed.

Friday night I sleep like a rock and I have felt really good today.  I am a vaguely anxious about how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day, but I am moving forward out of crazy, which is positive.

So, if none of that made sense to you, you are truly lucky.  In other news my estrogen last Monday was a 'fantastic' 310, I have my ultrasound this coming Monday and I am really hoping to start PIO on Tuesday (who knew I'd want to do that!).  I'll try and keep you updated, I am still keeping to myself a bit to ensure I don't stress out again.  It's silly but it will keep me functioning for a bit. 

I should probably now apologize because I've written this very fast without glasses on, so there are probably tons of typos.  But I'm not going to... so there.

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