Sunday, November 30, 2014

Scared

My DH told me this morning that he has been doing all sorts of research into triplets and twins.  Of course he also told me that it doesn't seem to matter how tall you are or how wide your hips are, which I pretty much already knew, friends have tried to consul me by saying I should be fine for that reason.  (I believe) it only matters how thick your cervix is and how thick it can stay,  which is why so many end up on bedrest, since gravity pulls the babies down and naturally thins the cervix.

The other question my DH asked (and I can tell he has researched), which caused me to nearly pass out with fear when I heard it from the RE, was whether the twins were mono.  The RE said they were and in the past week I have tried to tell myself that he probably doesn't know for sure whether they are mono.  I mean he couldn't even see the yolk sac for baby C, so can he say for sure?  I don't know, but it's the little hope that I hold onto.

See, even I know that mono twins are rare and bad, or bad as in it is a struggle to carry them to term safely.  And identical twins do not have to share a sac, it's just a guarantee that they are identical when they do.  I had a facebook friend, someone I went to college with, who lost mono twins at 13ish weeks earlier this year.  I do wonder if a 3rd baby would keep the mono twins more still, because it seems like getting tangled is the danger, but again I am not doing research... just sitting back being concerned.

My left side hurts, which is where baby C is, and I wonder if she (I always think of C as 'she') is pushing out for more room... and I worry what carrying triplets means.  I am scared that I will end up with no babies at the end of this, through miscarriage, too early birth or loss in the NICU.  I feel a little like I can't catch a break, all I wanted was a baby...maybe two, safely.  I didn't mean to risk triplets, I can't help but feel like I'm being punished.  Perhaps I don't deserve this and the universe wants to punish me for flying too close to the sun. 

Also, I'm probably overly emotional right now, I realize that.  And I am staying fairly calm, I'm more sad than anything...and dreading the results of the scan this coming Thursday and also dreading how long I have to wait to get the results.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Being Thankful

Let's be honest, I am pretty lousy at being thankful.  Every time I can also think of a reason not to be thankful.  Most often I'm thankful for the small things in life: puddles and trees and mountains, rain and sun, the ruggedness of the wilderness.  However this year I've really tried to be a little more grateful for the things I do have.

I'm thankful we have so much technology and that so many of us that would have had no hope before are able to have a shot.  I'm sad that infertility isn't seen as a "real" disease and that treatment is really only available to those of us that have funding or excellent credit.

I am amazingly thankful, with no reservations or second guesses, for my IRL friends and family who have been with me through my whole journey and taken care of me. 

I am grateful and thrilled to be part of the Twitter IF community.  There seems much less judgment between us and whatever your journey (treatment, adoption, donated eggs/sperm/embryos, or living childless) that we can all be there for each other in excitement, nerves, and sadness.

Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to you all!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

What The Hell

Alternate titles include:
My Eggs Wouldn't Have Done This to Me
I Can Barely Care for 3 Cats - 3 Babies Seems Harder

If you follow me on twitter you already know that today I went in for my first scan.  It was nerve-wracking to get to that point, almost 3 weeks of waiting and almost no symptoms (I'm not complaining about no symptoms, but it does make you a teensy bit nervous.)  I brought my mom with me since my DH said he 'didn't want to get too attached yet'.  I was pretty annoyed about that until I changed my perspective, which is that it's nice to have a rock to lean on.  When I get emotional, he spews hard facts.  And occasionally he does get emotional (or let's his guard down enough to show he cares), but I dated an ex for years who was an emotional need ball and that's definitely not for me!  I'm grateful I can come home to a solid guy who cares, but maybe isn't always going to let me know he cares. 

I was actually fairly calm this morning, more excited to find out what was really in there.  I really thought I had one, but occasionally thought it was two.  When the scan started I could immediately tell there were two sacs, but one looked empty and the other (baby A) looked bigger.  Baby A is the biggest (I believe, I was sortof out of it when they were doing the measurements).  The RE went in for the close up on Baby B and I saw it about the same time he did - two fluttering heartbeats side by side.  I put my hands over my face and heard him say 'oh, that's not an echo'.  Baby C we couldn't see the yolk sac for, but is measuring overall a bit smaller than Baby B and Baby A. 

After the scan was done, I thought I was feeling a little better, so I sat up for the discussion of the pictures.  He was almost all the way through when I had to lay down again.  I was in a daze most of the rest of the day.  Everybody seems so thrilled for me, but all I can worry about is health and selective reduction - what if the Doctors tell me it's better?  I know a lot of the risks already (I'm too old and know too many sad stories), even a single baby can... well you all know.  And yes, my RE told me specifically not to think about any of this until next week.

There is a 50% chance that they will self-select down in the coming days.  I go in for another scan (I did not graduate to an OB, the RE told me to hold off) in 7-10 days to see what is happening.  I spent most of the day wishing for the self-selection and also hating myself for wishing for it.  I felt a little bit better after talking to/about several people who have had triplets with no issues.  My DH had a coworker who had them, my best friend has a coworker that had them as well - both with no permanent issues. 

I will keep praying for healthy babies.  I figure God/the universe owes it to me.  Quite frankly my biggest fear is that I won't be able to carry to term and then I'll end up with no babies because I couldn't make a 'selection' decision.  I also really don't want to sit through a 'hard sell' of the selective reduction.

The sweetest thing was that my mom, who went with me, when I was still pretty much freaking out on the way home told me that she would never judge me for any choice I had to make to protect the health of the babies.  She is so staunchly pro-life that she practically doesn't vote for non-pro-lifers, and for her to say that was really amazing.  I hope that it doesn't come to that, but it's nice to know my mom is always on my side.

Please don't think I am complaining about any of this, I know I'm lucky - it's just also terrifying.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Control

There is so little control I have over infertility: I can't control what does or doesn't attach and grow, I can't control my emotions at least half the time, and I can't control whether there's spotting.  Instead I try to exercise any amount of control I can and this is expressed in my meticulous scheduling.
My crazy timed pills & PIO shots. 
My PIO moved because of travelling last weekend.

My meticulous scheduling that was truly screwed yesterday.  I totally puked up my AM estradiol pill and then called the clinic to see if I should take another.  Of course it was early and they weren't open so I had to wait for a call back....and I waited....and I sat outside of Starbucks and decided to call back since it was more than a half hour later.  The RE that finally answered said I didn't need to take another one, I did not believe him, I argued I should at least take a 1mg dose (my normal dose is 2mg) and he finally relented, agreeing to this 'compromise'.

Then I worried: I mean what if I actually screwed it up more by taking more?  So I wrote my donor coordinator, who is apparently on vacation until December, and since I had my REs email address I just emailed him directly (not lightly).  He said I should retake in the future and there no 'real' danger of an overdose.  I trust him so much and I'm glad I know what to do now - also I'm glad to know never to trust the on-call doctor again.

I wonder if I can get my RE to deliver my baby.  I mean, this once couldn't he make an exception? 

I have moved (slightly) past being worried about my scan to being worried there might be a chromosomal abnormality.  DH can't go to the first scan, so I was going to invite my mom, but then I worry there will be something wrong with the baby and she will judge me if I make certain choices.  I really don't feel there is anything wrong, but it feels like a 'what if' hanging out there. 

Healthy baby or no baby, that was always my prayer.  God seems to have mostly answered with the 'no baby' so far, which I might have assumed was punishment for wanting a healthy baby.  Now I need to keep faith a little longer that this is a healthy baby.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Movie Review

It's amazing how so many things are tainted by infertility.  Even though I have a BFP, I do keep waiting for it to be taken away and I've come to some measure of peace that there's currently nothing to do to stop it from being taken.  Today I went and saw Interstellar, and during my (frequent) bathroom breaks there were children and mothers running all around me.  It was bittersweet: will that be me?  Will I someday get to have this?  It seems closer than ever before, but still not technically real. I know how easy it is to end.

The movie was pretty good, but you can look up reviews anywhere about it.  I'm talking about infertility and Interstellar, because if you have any experience with the former you will laugh at (a portion) of the science in the latter. 

Premise: earth dying, find new home, if not possible to move current humans then repopulate using some frozen eggs we're bringing along.  How many, totally enough to have hundreds of babies: 5,000.

Stop laughing!

Now I thought they said embryos, but DH and stepdaughter both insisted it was eggs. Either way we all know 5,000 is a tiny amount, assuming 25% actually become 5 day blasts, and the another 30% attach and 75% carry to term then we have 281 babies.  And since it's eggs, we have to use the sperm of the astronaut who's been exposed to a ton of radiation (just assuming it all works). Also we're only sending one woman, who will also be exposed to a lot of radiation and hopefully won't die in a freak accident, she'll have no problem reproducing with donor eggs that have also been carried through space in radiation!

And this is beyond the need for a clean clinic and lab to process it all when we are settling our new colony and the drugs the female will need to sustain a pregnancy.  You can see my disbelief and maybe I'm being too hard on the movie,  but if we are bothering bringing 5,000 maybe bring 30,000?  Also maybe invest in another female scientist or passenger to be knocked up? There is a historical reason women outnumber men: we are more likely to die in childbirth, sheer numbers must be maintained to repopulate. 

Ah well, if nothing else the movies and tv shows always teach us faulty science, so I can't be too miffed! 

 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Symptom Checking

In my first ever second 'two week wait', which is actually more like a three week wait for me, until I get to hear the heartbeat.  So I've contented myself with enjoying my symptoms, which come and go.  Today I have no nausea at all and I'm not sure whether I'm happy about that or not, but as a tradeoff my boobs hurt so bad I'm considering wearing my bra to bed tonight.

I told my counselor last week that I would be ok with nausea as long as I didn't have any spotting.  So far that's holding true, no spotting except for the 'imaginary' spotting last week.  I hope those guys are doing ok in there, I know there's nothing I can do if they aren't. 

The rest of the week is pretty busy, I am finally seeing my acupuncturist tomorrow, dinner with friends, and a visit to the in-laws.  I am taking the opportunity of today being off work to relax.  DH is annoyed because he made errands and I didn't want to go on them. 

Related, is an early pregnancy symptom that your DH has mood swings?  It really must be...

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Passing Out

Today I had a dentist appointment.  I was initially worried about going to the dentist but the clinic (and clinic literature) insists it is totally safe and very recommended.  Since it's my fall appointment I would normally have x-rays, but for very obvious reason I didn't want those.  I told my hygienist (in sworn secrecy) and she then said she wasn't going to do them for me anyway since I never have issues and the doctor wasn't in.  I sortof wish I hadn't opened my big mouth now...

The truth is I feel that I've told 'everybody'.  My mom, my counselor, my 4 closest friends who have been with me through all the treatments, and the twitter-ati.  I suppose in no way is that 'everyone', and all those who have been told know how fleeting a BFP could be and know all the future hurdles.  With maybe the exception of my mom, she wants to do a picture with all our hands on my tummy at Thanksgiving.  Not sure how I feel about that, but if I've heard the heartbeats by then it might be ok.

Back to the dentist: DH and I had appointments at 11am and then the stepkids had an appointment at 12pm.  Their mother brought them and once the kids went back with the hygienists proceeded to tell us all her physical ails.  Some of you may remember she had a pulmonary embolism a while back, so she is on blood thinners, but her GYN believes she may have stage 1 cancer and needs a hysterectomy and they'll need to have blood on standby because she's on blood thinners.  As she's talking I am thinking that I don't need to be hearing this and usually DH doesn't share these types of issues because 1) she's hyper-dramatic (she's told us before that something may be cancer) and 2) he knows I worry.  Then I started getting lightheaded, and I immediately sat down.  That alleviated the symptoms slightly and I thought I could make it to the car.  I tried to excuse myself - I don't remember what I said, but according to DH it wasn't very appropriate.  I walked into the hallway and after about 5 steps my eyes started going dark.  I have a lot of experience with fainting from when I was younger, so I thought I could still make it if I just leaned against the wall.

The next thing I remember is DH calling my name, he asked if I could make it to the car and I still thought I could, but then I passed out again just outside the exit door.  After I woke up again and made it to the car, popped open some water and listened to DH lecture me.  He lectures when he gets really worried or nervous, but it wasn't something I could control.  I texted my counselor, she mentioned it could happen to some pregnant ladies, and I called the clinic and they were also not worried and told me to keep hydrated.  The clinic even said if it kept happening they would want to know but would refer me to my primary care... I will touch base with my primary care nurse at the clinic on Monday. 

I feel much better now, still feeling lightheaded, same symptoms as I've been having.  Blood pressure goes up when you get pregnant and I've had normal blood pressure for several years, when I was younger I had low blood pressure which I why I've had experience passing out.  I am working hard at being calm and not worrying about her, but still I wish I didn't know.  It might seems silly that I get so worried, but things I can't control worry me.  Although I can't control this pregnancy and I am too exhausted to worry too much about that.  Que Sera Sera. 

Friday, November 7, 2014

A BFP

Any of you who follow me on twitter know that I had a BFP on Wednesday of 241.  They retested today (and tested my thyroid) and wanted to see at least a 384, but my overachievers gave them 486.  I am still in a slight state of shock, they sent me all the details about when my last estradiol pill and PIO shot would be, my potential due date, etc.  We are working on getting me scheduled for a 7 week scan - which will (hopefully) be on my 35th birthday.  I'm not sure how I feel about having it on my birthday, it's a scary prospect if it doesn't work out.  But I do have faith.  I've never gotten this far before, but now that I have I don't see it ending badly. 

Speaking of: 35.  Blech.  I can't believe I'm going to be that old! I know, it's not really that old, it's just a little bit of a milestone and ... I'm not sure how I feel about it.  At least it won't be 'high risk' since my donor was 21.

My work is going well, it's a little hard to focus since I am either tired, dizzy or slightly nauseated, going pee or getting water.  I'm sure they appreciate my walking around.  At least I don't have friends (at work) who I spend time chit-chatting with.  I do occasionally check twitter, but limit it to my email notifications and lunchtime.  Now I need to plan for RE and OB visits, it's pretty exciting but a little nerve-wracking.

Of course I am in the middle of another two week wait: the wait to hear the heartbeats.  I am nervous see them/it/him/her, but I do want these two weeks to fly by.  I'm trying to not stress about symptoms or no symptoms.

[Insert transition I'm too lazy to think of] I'm also feeling abandoned by my acupuncturist.  She cancelled on me on my appointment before transfer day and I still haven't seen her.  Today I called, fairly desperate to get in, but it was a no go.  I am a little miffed she didn't fit me in anywhere when she's the one who cancelled before!  I have an appointment on Wednesday, so I hope it goes well. 

I'm sorry if this post is disjointed or poorly written, I'm pretty tired and am writing this laying down.  I hope you have a great weekend, BFPs for all! 



Monday, November 3, 2014

Shortest Update Ever

My God, I'm exhausted.  It's probably the progesterone-in-oil shots, here's a short list of other early pregnancy symptoms that could also be caused by PIO.  (Fair warning that this will be graphic tmi.)  Sore bbs, more discharge than usual, no spotting, no cramping, weird fluttering or burning or full sensation in uterus, bad skin...which might also be because I'm so exhausted I have no desire to wash my face at night.

My room is a mess, my house is a mess, everything needs to be cleaned (except the kitchen at the moment...for once).  I am dreading my pregnancy test and finding it exceedingly hard to be positive.  I wish I could say this is easy, but it's terrifying.  I don't know what to do if this doesn't work.  I don't want to write a whole bunch about my feelings since I don't want to be bogged down in the negativity.

In more positive news: this cat wants me to pet him.  Duty calls!

Is that a mouse? Or are you still typing when you should be petting me?