Thursday, November 20, 2014

Control

There is so little control I have over infertility: I can't control what does or doesn't attach and grow, I can't control my emotions at least half the time, and I can't control whether there's spotting.  Instead I try to exercise any amount of control I can and this is expressed in my meticulous scheduling.
My crazy timed pills & PIO shots. 
My PIO moved because of travelling last weekend.

My meticulous scheduling that was truly screwed yesterday.  I totally puked up my AM estradiol pill and then called the clinic to see if I should take another.  Of course it was early and they weren't open so I had to wait for a call back....and I waited....and I sat outside of Starbucks and decided to call back since it was more than a half hour later.  The RE that finally answered said I didn't need to take another one, I did not believe him, I argued I should at least take a 1mg dose (my normal dose is 2mg) and he finally relented, agreeing to this 'compromise'.

Then I worried: I mean what if I actually screwed it up more by taking more?  So I wrote my donor coordinator, who is apparently on vacation until December, and since I had my REs email address I just emailed him directly (not lightly).  He said I should retake in the future and there no 'real' danger of an overdose.  I trust him so much and I'm glad I know what to do now - also I'm glad to know never to trust the on-call doctor again.

I wonder if I can get my RE to deliver my baby.  I mean, this once couldn't he make an exception? 

I have moved (slightly) past being worried about my scan to being worried there might be a chromosomal abnormality.  DH can't go to the first scan, so I was going to invite my mom, but then I worry there will be something wrong with the baby and she will judge me if I make certain choices.  I really don't feel there is anything wrong, but it feels like a 'what if' hanging out there. 

Healthy baby or no baby, that was always my prayer.  God seems to have mostly answered with the 'no baby' so far, which I might have assumed was punishment for wanting a healthy baby.  Now I need to keep faith a little longer that this is a healthy baby.

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