Sunday, November 30, 2014

Scared

My DH told me this morning that he has been doing all sorts of research into triplets and twins.  Of course he also told me that it doesn't seem to matter how tall you are or how wide your hips are, which I pretty much already knew, friends have tried to consul me by saying I should be fine for that reason.  (I believe) it only matters how thick your cervix is and how thick it can stay,  which is why so many end up on bedrest, since gravity pulls the babies down and naturally thins the cervix.

The other question my DH asked (and I can tell he has researched), which caused me to nearly pass out with fear when I heard it from the RE, was whether the twins were mono.  The RE said they were and in the past week I have tried to tell myself that he probably doesn't know for sure whether they are mono.  I mean he couldn't even see the yolk sac for baby C, so can he say for sure?  I don't know, but it's the little hope that I hold onto.

See, even I know that mono twins are rare and bad, or bad as in it is a struggle to carry them to term safely.  And identical twins do not have to share a sac, it's just a guarantee that they are identical when they do.  I had a facebook friend, someone I went to college with, who lost mono twins at 13ish weeks earlier this year.  I do wonder if a 3rd baby would keep the mono twins more still, because it seems like getting tangled is the danger, but again I am not doing research... just sitting back being concerned.

My left side hurts, which is where baby C is, and I wonder if she (I always think of C as 'she') is pushing out for more room... and I worry what carrying triplets means.  I am scared that I will end up with no babies at the end of this, through miscarriage, too early birth or loss in the NICU.  I feel a little like I can't catch a break, all I wanted was a baby...maybe two, safely.  I didn't mean to risk triplets, I can't help but feel like I'm being punished.  Perhaps I don't deserve this and the universe wants to punish me for flying too close to the sun. 

Also, I'm probably overly emotional right now, I realize that.  And I am staying fairly calm, I'm more sad than anything...and dreading the results of the scan this coming Thursday and also dreading how long I have to wait to get the results.

3 comments:

  1. Sending you a big hug. I don't think you are being punished, although I have felt that way too. I don't have any words of wisdom, as I've never been through this, but I'm wishing you lots of strength.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Big hugs. I have a friend who had MoMo twins and lost them at 13 weeks this year too. Maybe it's he same person?! Either way, it's so rare I think it's unlikely to happen to you too! But I understand that you're scared. Waiting game is so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you both for your kind thoughts!

    ReplyDelete