Tuesday, November 25, 2014

What The Hell

Alternate titles include:
My Eggs Wouldn't Have Done This to Me
I Can Barely Care for 3 Cats - 3 Babies Seems Harder

If you follow me on twitter you already know that today I went in for my first scan.  It was nerve-wracking to get to that point, almost 3 weeks of waiting and almost no symptoms (I'm not complaining about no symptoms, but it does make you a teensy bit nervous.)  I brought my mom with me since my DH said he 'didn't want to get too attached yet'.  I was pretty annoyed about that until I changed my perspective, which is that it's nice to have a rock to lean on.  When I get emotional, he spews hard facts.  And occasionally he does get emotional (or let's his guard down enough to show he cares), but I dated an ex for years who was an emotional need ball and that's definitely not for me!  I'm grateful I can come home to a solid guy who cares, but maybe isn't always going to let me know he cares. 

I was actually fairly calm this morning, more excited to find out what was really in there.  I really thought I had one, but occasionally thought it was two.  When the scan started I could immediately tell there were two sacs, but one looked empty and the other (baby A) looked bigger.  Baby A is the biggest (I believe, I was sortof out of it when they were doing the measurements).  The RE went in for the close up on Baby B and I saw it about the same time he did - two fluttering heartbeats side by side.  I put my hands over my face and heard him say 'oh, that's not an echo'.  Baby C we couldn't see the yolk sac for, but is measuring overall a bit smaller than Baby B and Baby A. 

After the scan was done, I thought I was feeling a little better, so I sat up for the discussion of the pictures.  He was almost all the way through when I had to lay down again.  I was in a daze most of the rest of the day.  Everybody seems so thrilled for me, but all I can worry about is health and selective reduction - what if the Doctors tell me it's better?  I know a lot of the risks already (I'm too old and know too many sad stories), even a single baby can... well you all know.  And yes, my RE told me specifically not to think about any of this until next week.

There is a 50% chance that they will self-select down in the coming days.  I go in for another scan (I did not graduate to an OB, the RE told me to hold off) in 7-10 days to see what is happening.  I spent most of the day wishing for the self-selection and also hating myself for wishing for it.  I felt a little bit better after talking to/about several people who have had triplets with no issues.  My DH had a coworker who had them, my best friend has a coworker that had them as well - both with no permanent issues. 

I will keep praying for healthy babies.  I figure God/the universe owes it to me.  Quite frankly my biggest fear is that I won't be able to carry to term and then I'll end up with no babies because I couldn't make a 'selection' decision.  I also really don't want to sit through a 'hard sell' of the selective reduction.

The sweetest thing was that my mom, who went with me, when I was still pretty much freaking out on the way home told me that she would never judge me for any choice I had to make to protect the health of the babies.  She is so staunchly pro-life that she practically doesn't vote for non-pro-lifers, and for her to say that was really amazing.  I hope that it doesn't come to that, but it's nice to know my mom is always on my side.

Please don't think I am complaining about any of this, I know I'm lucky - it's just also terrifying.

4 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you're feeling. The true joy of knowing you're pregnant has to be amazing, but that doesn't mean you can step away from the reality of it and that decisions may have to be made. But for the moment, live in the happiness that whatever happens will be the right thing and you will do what is best for yourself and your babe(s). I am so happy for you!!

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  2. ^ I couldn't have put it better than Kim did. The roller coaster continues! Lots of stories about healthy triplets and self-selecting reduction. Why shouldn't you have a happy outcome too? Congrats on your BFP! And hugs too, because it's not how you envisaged things... Xoxo

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  3. First of all, congratulations on your BFP! And second, I can see why you'd be terrified. I would feel the same way too. I have a friend who after many early miscarriages finally gave birth about two months ago via IVF. She transferred three embryos. Two took, and one of them turned into identical twins. Now she has 3 babies. It happens. I hope you can still enjoy your pregnancy and have some time to make decisions when needed. And I love your mom. So glad she's supportive.

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  4. binkymoongee, you're friend is just like me - so crazy as the chances are very slim of it happening (1% or so). Thank you all for your kind thoughts - they really kept me going in that moment. xx

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