Friday, December 26, 2014

A Mess of Thoughts

Most of the time I am excited about having triplets, but often I can't even imagine what it might be like to have three babies.  I mean.....wwwwhhhhaaaaaatttt?  And other times I can barely believe this is really happening and I hope and pray it will end in a successful birth...s.

Also, I've been worried that I would favor my triplets like my cats.  I've tried to convince myself that my cats are different, but I have a definite favorite, a less favorite who I feel bad about not loving as much, and the other idiotic cat.  Please tell me I won't be like that with my children.

I am nervous about my MFM appointment Monday.  I'm nervous about what she's going to tell me.  I'm nervous that there will not be 3 heartbeats and nervous there will be.  I'm nervous I will get suuuuper pregnant and nervous I won't.

I think I've officially started popping out.  The problem with hating my body before my last cycle is that I didn't have precise measurements and weight, but I think I've gained about 4 inches and 10 pounds.  Last night for the first time it wasn't comfortable to sleep on tummy, which is a bummer since I love sleeping in that position. 

I think I might have to buy new pants soon too.  I am most nervous about having to actually buy new clothes.  I assume I couldn't go through my whole time without them...but what do I even buy, how fast will I pop out?  It's not something I can really learn online.  I hope the multiples group I found meets soon...I have questions!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Infertility Wounds

By now I've told a whole bunch of people about the triplets.  Part of this is because I was never very silent about my infertility and many of my friends will pointedly ask how it's going, which I've never discouraged.  Those that haven't been that close I have kept in the dark longer, but some of my closer or longer lasting friends, or those who will think of and pray for me, I have told.  I need all the positive thoughts and prayers I can get right now!

One of my longest friends (also, one of my most fertile, she's gotten pregnant on every kind of birth control and finally had her tubes tied after the 3rd one) is super excited for me.  She even told other people and I was fine with that.  The other day we were chatting via FB chat and she ended the conversation by saying she knew I would be ok because God has a plan and I'm a good person.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

It felt like a slap, not only for me but for all my infertile compatriots.  Suddenly I was less sure this was going well instead of more sure, all because she thinks that being a good person matters.  It couldn't matter less and it also doesn't matter how much I've 'been through', I see people who have been through more, who have been through things I'm not sure I could survive.  And actually I haven't said anything to her since, because I can't think of anything nice.  It was a natural end to the conversation and we'll start a new or different chat later and I won't say anything.

And I'm almost certain that's the right choice, because she's not really the type to think being a good person matters.  She's had horrible things happen to her, I'm sure she doesn't think it's because she wasn't 'good'.  She was only trying to find words to comfort me, to reassure me it would all be ok (a little ironic since I didn't need reassurance at that moment). 

Tonight I am taking my last estradiol pill - yay!  And I'm pretty sure I will tell work tomorrow about the triplet pregnancy so that they know.  It's more an insurance policy in case something happens, I don't want them to not believe me if I suddenly need time off.  After the MFM in a few weeks I will update them on what to expect from me for the remainder and possibly after. 

It's been hard not to have an ultrasound this week, but I don't need one for anything but peace of mind.  I can't wait until next week to see in there again!

Monday, December 15, 2014

Dreams & Guessing Games

One of the fun things about both PIO shots and having a ton of progesterone in your system is that you have very vivid dreams.  I've had a variety of dreams including:

My father was always alive, and he has a relationship with my brother and an older half sister I never knew named Jessica!  And now he's finally gotten in touch with you!  This is a common theme of my dreams since I was little and was actually a little nice because the last time my father was in a dream I punched him in the face for leaving me.  I hadn't seen him in a dream since then, about 8 years (except for a weird non-dream where he stood at the side of my bed and said he was working on getting me a baby.)

We went home to my childhood home, which I always have to WALK to like I did from the bus in elementary school.  The neighbors were doing construction and a bear got into their house, it chased me around while everyone else talked and ate cheese and drank wine (seriously uncaring).  It was trying to eat me because I was going to overpopulate the earth.  This seemed silly and hilarious once I woke up, but bears are always what I am terrified of, at least it wasn't a polar bear, those are even meaner.

I was pregnant with a horse and my beta didn't rise.  I was both happy - seriously how could I give birth to a horse - and a little sad - since it didn't work out this time either.  Mostly relieved.

I was baking cookies, in my tummy, with a twitter friend and she kept chastising me for not cooking the cookies long enough.  This has taken on new meaning with triplets, but she did train me to cook the cookies properly in the end so my uterus should know how to do it now.

Anyway, it's been a fun roller-coaster of dreams.  I am hoping for mostly good ones in the future, or at least non-scary ones.  In a separate effort to keep my spirits focused on positive things I have been reading a baby name book, although not too seriously since I don't know what names I'm looking for boy or girl wise.   When I imagine my triplets (as toddlers or whatever), I imagine all girls and I definitely think the twins are girls.  However, baby A is a little bit of a mystery and I kindof think he's a boy.  I won't be disappointed, although maybe 3 boys would be hard.

I asked my DH and he thinks they are all boys (men, so unoriginal) and that we should name them all after Seahawks players.  I put my foot down on Marshawn, but I could do Thomas, Russell, Wilson, or even Earl if they aren't too popular in this area. 

And for those of you who are curious, the chances of triplets were less than 1%.  I was a little bit second guessing my decision, but the RE did say that twinning occurs more often in 5dt (not 3dt) - they don't know why.  The 1% is way less than my chances of conceiving at any point in the last 4+ years with my own eggs.  You can see why I didn't factor it into my decision and, quite frankly, my RE didn't seem concerned either when we talked about a 3dt. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

What It Looks Like

I can't really complain about my lot in life right now.  I don't know how it will turn out.  Everyday I work on being positive and I'm usually successful.  However there are some moments when I am terrified, when I worry about the future, when someone on Twitter triggers all my fears (not on purpose).

So here's my pretty picture from today:
Babies are lettered, not the best picture of any of them.
They are all measuring right on schedule with good heartbeats and sizes.  I believe C was actually the biggest, which sounds right since she's constantly pushing out that side of my uterus. 

Someone on Twitter did scare me that the MonoDi twins aren't great, so I did ask the doctor what would have been better.  She said DiDi is best... well that's true but the twins are Monozygotic, so this is the best you can hope for with IDs.  (Durh.) 

I don't have an MFM appointment until the end of December (stupid Christmas).  I have one more scan scheduled at my REs place, but am technically cut free from them. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Less Scared, More Hopeful

It's the middle of Sunday, so time to actually have energy to write an article!  Did you miss me?

On Thursday DH and I went for a second ultrasound at the RE.  Another scan showed the same 3 babies, A, B and C, hanging out, growing on schedule, all with amazing heartbeats - baby A with 171, and the twins with 168 each.  I cried, my DH laughed and asked what I expected, I didn't really know what I expected.  The night before I had laid awake and thought 'there's still 3 in there', but even that didn't really prepare me.

We discussed with my RE what the risks were.  The risks are premature birth, but they don't know what causes it (although I've read some research about infections, etc).  The REs advice was 'whatever you do, don't regret the choice you've made'.  DH and I briefly discussed it, but we are on the same page about reduction, we could not do it unless there was a problem and then it would be a discussion.  We aren't guaranteed any babies now, you can have a preterm single baby, you can have a preterm set of twins, and you can have a preterm set of triplets.  Of course the risk is much higher with triplets, but there's still no guarantees.  We can't make a decision because we are scared of the preterm risk, there's also the risk inherent in reduction too.

Other things we learned: babies are attached is good places.  Twins appear to be MonoDi, meaning they are identical but have separate yolks and gestational sacs, the MFM will have to make the final call on it though.    The RE gave us a referral to a set of MFMs, but the next day when I called I found out they only had access to the level 3 NICU in town, and so I called back to get a referral to a practice with access to the level 4 NICU.  My DH did all this research for me, which is great of him!  I was a little annoyed with the first practice because they told me the two NICUs were 'comparable'...which is not necessarily true.

I actually was excited for about two days, even though I was feeling a little worse (nausea wise) each day.  But remembering the somber look on my REs face has brought me back down to earth slightly, I know that he doesn't consider this a success.  I understand why, but I still have hope that it will be a success for me.

Then I also was a little worried the MFM will give me a 'hard sell' on reduction, but my DH assures me this is not so.  I am feeling a little better about going in to see one of them and need an appointment next week or I will have to go back and see my RE again to do a check.  I guess the 'good' thing about triplets is a lot of scans.