Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Yesterday

This might become a little bit of a rant, I’m not going to lie. 

Yesterday there was an, ahem, altercation on twitter.  It resulted in me losing my temper, after some provocation, and telling them to fuck off.  I feel a little bit bad because I don’t usually like telling people off (other than in my head) and I believe we should all get along and be kind, especially in our community, and many of us need slack occasionally.  However, I am sick and tired of being told I haven’t ‘suffered’ or am not ‘suffering’ enough.  That attitude is poisonous and, while it’s ok to have a bad day or judge others in our heads, it’s not ok to rank others’ pain aloud (ie, on twitter).

And honestly I would agree, in a small way, that getting a BFP changes your ability to relate.  It is exciting and you can’t continue to wallow in your grief about infertility.  The infertility still hurts, it still burns, and it’s still in the back of my mind that if this BFP fails that I don’t know if I will get another.  Right now I have to focus on today, and that means mostly attempting to be relentlessly positive about my position.  I have to believe I’m going to make it and, honestly that’s terrifying too, I’m not sure how many of my twitter followers honestly want to take home 3 babies.  You know they poop and cry a lot right? 

Also, anyone who has a BFP is not going to tweet about taking injections, doing IVF, etc.  What we need now is support from those who have been there – those who have had a successful BFP after clomid/IVF/surrogacy.  And that is mostly what my tweets are about, the little worries that occur, but I follow lots of other IF tweeters and I hope I can give them small advice about the process, about what to expect, about what’s normal, and just general support.  And it’s ok if they don’t follow me back, or have me muted, I’ve been there and I understand that.

Listen, we all judge others’ positions in life, silently, in our own heads.  Often this is in the ‘I wish I could just do clomid’ or ‘I wish I could just do IVF’.  But here are some rules I think are very helpful and fall under the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule:

If you don’t have anything nice or constructive or sympathetic to say, don’t tweet it.  Remember we are a community in pain, no one is requiring you to follow that person (or have them unmuted). 

If a fellow tweeter offends you with a tweet – then mute or unfollow.  Unless it’s hideously offensive there’s no need to confront them.  And by hideously offensive I mean along the ‘maybe you aren’t meant to have kids’ variety, not the generally insensitive or wishful that all of us have tweeted from time to time.

Don’t tell others’ their pain or suffering isn’t important.  It’s hard to do clomid, it may be harder to do IVF, it may be even harder to do surrogacy, and it’s definitely harder to be told there’s no hope.   But telling someone ‘just wait until you have to do X’ isn’t helpful, it’s cruel.  I hope that timed intercourse or clomid works for everyone - that would be an amazing.

Remember who the enemy is folks: THE FERTILES! Now go out there and humiliate them. 

I’m kidding about that…. mostly.
And I'm honestly sorry if I offended anyone yesterday.  You all mean so much more to me than my 'real' friends.  I have grown close with some of you and we have struggled together and supported each other through it all. 

2 comments:

  1. I haven't fully understood what happened on twitter. But I just wanted to say that I find you are very gracefully going through this pregnancy and I am impressed of how calm you appear to be. I wouldn't have minded triplets (I always thought any number but zero!) but I am sure I would have been a lot less zen about it. I feel that if there's anyone with the right to complain about pregnancy no twitter, that's you!
    I'm not sure if there are rules on twitter. We all need different things and it's hard to set rules. But I generally agree that we shouldn't judge or rank each other's journeys. They are all different. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're probably right we don't need rules, except to be kind and follow the golden rule šŸ˜Š

      Delete